May 8, 2014

Know Your Bro

The folks over at Jezebel had a great piece last month on all things Bro. The piece opens:

"Like "hipster" and "douchebag," the word "bro" has been applied to such a vast swath of American culture that it seems no one is really sure what it means anymore. Turns out, much of that confusion can be attributed to the fact that a bro is different depending on where in the Bronited States of Bromerica you're currently bro'ing down. Before we enter the brozone, we must answer, for our purposes, the age-old question: What is a bro? The most practical, workable definition: An adult male whose social life revolves around collegiate homosocial bonding and who also presents himself in a way that assimilates to the prevailing aesthetic of men with similar socialization patterns.

This got me thinking. Sacramento - and its various neighborhoods - have their own unique bro breeds. But what makes these bros different? What are the defining charasteristics of say, a Midtown bro, as compared to a bro from East Sac? Without further ado, a brief survey of regional Sacramento bros and their aesthetic ideals.

East Sacramento Bro 
Uniform: Above-knee khaki shorts, aged Polo shirt that fit better before kids, pick-your-favorite ill-fitting snapback baseball cap featuring a prominent microbrew logo. Monday-Friday: Boat shoes. Weekends: Flip-Flops
Intoxicant: Killer homebrew and the occasional secret Pliny the Elder find.
Habitat: The Shack, for overpriced Belgian beers. Compton's Market, for the not-so-secret Pliny find. Also, Selland's - because the "Dinner for Two" is the best deal in town, bro!
Hobbies: Checking Zillow to see if their Z-estimate went up, waiting in long lines for weekend vegan breakfast, and planting "Stop McVillage" and "Save the Delta" signs in their front yards.
Secret Shame: Spending their kids’ college fund on a new Range Rover.
Soundtrack: Anything Radiohead.
Celeb Brospiration: Matthew McConaughey - cool in any situation.

Downtown Bro
Uniform: Weekdays and weeknights: Macy’s suit, recognizable Couture shoes, Rolex, money clip, big wad of cash. Weekends: Technical athletic gear.
Intoxicant: Whiskey neat, Old Fashions, cigars.
Habitat: Bro, San Francisco bars are sooo much better! But if they are slumming it local, Grange, Ella, and Mix will do.
Hobbies: Cycling, running, heli-skiing, talking about how much money they made last month. Drinking for free at charity events.
Soundtrack: 30 Seconds to Mars
Secret Shame: They refuse to date a girl smarter than them, their credit cards are maxed out, and they rent a house in Arden Park.
Celeb Brospiration: Leonardo DiCaprio from Wolf of Wall Street. “There’s no nobility in poverty, bro!”

Lavender Heights Bro

Uniform: Warm weather: Bright-colored Tank-Tops, shorts, large sunglasses (for cruising). Cold weather: Scarves, pea coats. Never socks, always bowties.
Intoxicant: Vodka or Gin or Whiskey or Tequila or Rum or More Vodka. But never beer because, CARBS bro!
Habitat: 2-block radius of 20th and K - aka “Ground Ze-Mo.”
Hangover Cure: Sex, gym, taking dog to dog park. In that order.
Hobbies: GRINDR, Mimosa brunches, attending fundraisers, listening to girlfriends bitch about boys, publicly repping for #TeamNeNe.
Soundtrack: Miley, Kylie, Britney (any girl with an “ee” sound), Madonna, Beyonce - aka God. If in a break-up weep-spiral: Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful.”
Secret Shame: Wanting to just settle down and have kids in the suburbs; Loving when old guys at the Merc hit on them.
Celeb Brospiration: Tom Daley, Hugh Jackman, Ricky Martin and of course Anderson Cooper

Midtown Bro 
Uniform: Dirty black tee and skinny jeans? Usually. Gauges and sleeve tattoos? Occasionally. Full beard? Always. Monday-Friday: Toms with socks. Weekends: Toms without socks.
Intoxicant: Stouts, red ales and obscure IPAs. Never a Coors Light, always a Pabst.
Habitat: Golden Bear and Tank House but only if neither is crowded. Shady Lady for a seven-ingredient cocktail, your neighbors porch in Boulevard Park, the Weatherstone patio.
Hobbies: Riding bikes, vaping, ordering salads at burger joints, actively participating in coed sports leagues.
Soundtrack: The Strokes, Vampire Weekend, Tegan and Sara
Secret Shame: Loving Barwest.
Celeb Brospiration: Ryan Gosling because did you SEE Drive?

Roseville Bro
Uniform: Daytime: TapouT everything, flat brim sports hat, past the knee board shorts, tribal tattoos Evening: Striped button down - untucked - with embroidered Seven For All Mankind jeans.
Intoxicant: Domestic beer, J├Ągerbombs, Jim Beam
Hobbies: Wake boarding, roid cycling, undercutting lap dance costs, bar fighting, signing emails with: "No homo"
Soundtrack: Nickelback, Ludacris
Secret Shame: Cried listening to the last Drake album; Is actually "homo"
Celeb Brospiration: Urijah Faber

With contributions from: Ashley West, Tre Borden, Austin McRonald, John Jacobs, John Silva, Asher Cohen, Valencia Vemo Gazelle Dussault

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