February 24, 2014

tv watch with pweekly

Each month, PWeekly himself will spend 12 hours in front of the tube watching only one channel - then report back to you! All the viewing pleasure with none of the programming commitment! This month we get sensitive with The Lifetime Movie Network.

The Lifetime TV network is like a black hole: Once you're sucked into its powerful vortex of based-on-a-true-story telepics you may never escape.

7:45AM Dark Mirror. Early 80's Aaron Spelling product. Oooh - Jane Seymore plays twins! The good one wears a headband.

9:48AM Dying to be Perfect. Crystal Bernard stars as a Harvard grad/bulimic/hot mayor's wife/marathon runner. Her coach is mean/really mean/super mean man who makes her slim down.

10:15AM My cat is now sitting on my face. I secretly crave a doughnut.

11:30AM Must. Not. Doze. Off.

NOON Early on Final Justice a lawyer mentions "oral sex in a bathtub full of vegetable oil" - I am awake again.

1:30PM Seduction in a Small Town. Vixen (Joely Fisher) moves in on good woman's (Melissa Gilbert) husband. We know she's a vixen because she smokes a lot.

2:44PM I need something to love and protect NOW! I check the closet - maybe I have a small child I forgot about.

2:45PM I don't.

3-6PM Afternoon sugar slump. All the movies are blending together: Pregnant Gabrielle Anwar wonders which of her four boyfriends is the father. Meanwhile, someone sues big tobacco, a horny ex-husband rides a motorcycle, and Christine Lahti makes three bean chili for a motherless teen.

6:15PM Three words. Girls in Prison.

7:24PM Constant exposure to ads for Pasta Pro have me convinced that I need one right this minute. In a shame spiral, I order and dominate an entire large Pizza Guys combo han solo.

7:??PM Girls in Prison features two chicks making out. Isn't this television for women?

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