July 22, 2013

all call: what the royal baby means to pweekly staff writers

Rachel in the Know: I had the same reaction to hearing the news about the birth of the royal baby as I did when I found out I had HPV: completely impassive. It’s one of those things that just happen and you have some people who get all hyped up and others who just keep living their lives. As an American, the British monarchy has absolutely no ruling over my life and therefore I could give a shit about any of them. And if I were British, I’d be more worried about the reasoning behind Price William’s constant rejection of hair plugs than what color the baby’s first shit is. Kate’s vagina is probably so big now.

Robo: Until last week, I had no idea that Kate Middeton and Prince William (William Arthur Philip Louis Mountbatten-Windsor) were expecting. Other than to say cheers and don’t let him become an Arsenal fan, I could give two shits. Therefore, I guess I’ll just offer up a list of possible names they could use (as of my writing this the kid has no name):

  • Harry Potter Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • John Paul George And Ringo Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • Jamy Winehouse Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • Mick Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • Hugh Grant Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • Sean Connery George Lazenby Sena Connery Roger Moore Tomothy Dalton Pierce Brosnan Daniel Craig Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • Boy George Michael Mountbatten-Windsor 
  • Mike Hitt Mountbatten-Windsor

PWeekly: In a fantastical far away galaxy, a comical bizarro culture makes a newborn baby its future Head of State regardless of the baby's actions between now and then. What does the royal baby mean to me? Well, namely, nothing. This will just be the next person in a long line of people who will mysteriously die in an elaborate Illuminati scheme taking place in an unsecured tunnel location, that I wont cry about. Other than this baby's speculated future in wind generation through flapping its giant dumbo ears (you're welcome T. Boone Pickens), what effect will it have on anything in the world? Maybe C.G.P. Grey could make a 5 minute video telling me why I care, but seriously, I doubt I do, and who has 5 minutes to give to the monarchy? No one, that's who. This new little life squirt from the royal loins has less effect on the people of my world than do Honey Boo Boo and the cast of Duck Dynasty, and that's saying something.

Luke on Life: I saw a baby once. They're gross. If Kate handed me her baby I'd be just as likely to set it back down on the couch and go grab a cocktail as I would if you handed me your sticky kid. I hope he comes out half black and they just roll with it like Jim Carrey did in Me, Myself, and Irene. If it's a girl I hope they name her Oprah.


Anonymous said...

That is the most intelligent you have ever sounded. When did they start putting trivia Q&As on the bottom of vodka sodas?

PWeekly said...

HA! Actually, all the credit goes to my Diet Peach Snapple lids.