June 25, 2013

we'll make great pets... star in videos.

FACT: The internet is a solid 80% pet videos. The rest of it is useless government forms, flash video games my iPad can't play, and porn. People love uploading millions of pet videos - most of which fall into one of the following seven categories. It should be noted, we don’t need any more of these videos for a while. We have lots, k thanks.

Look What I Trained my Pet to Do:

You took a lot of time to make this happen and now your pet has a skill no animal in the wild ever needed. Good for you. Now get a fucking job.

Look What My Pet Does On Its Own: 

Your pet is so wacky you had to film it being wacky. Look! My dog does jazz hands! Quick! My cat is about to meow like a bird...

Look at My Ugly/Cute Pet: 
Your pet is so adorable or so butt ugly you needed to share it with people. It's like that faux hawk hairstyle you sported in '06 because you thought it made your side profile "more linear."

Look at My Weird Pet:
Cats and dogs are for losers, you have a Peruvian Death Weasel. Look at it, everyone! Look and be envious. Pray for your own Ikea monkey, jealous slobs!

Look at My Pet Tripping the Fuck Out:
Your pet clearly has a mental disorder but it makes you laugh so why not put it online?

Look How I Humiliate My Pet on the Daily:
Pets don’t have shame that anyone is aware of so this sort of thing is still considered cute in many circles. Many sad, sad circles.

Look How I Made My Pet Way More Interesting Than Yours: 

You realize you pet is pretty much like every other pet, ever. However, your skills in video editing are pretty epic.

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