April 22, 2013

Whoopsy: Dating Disasters 101

Dating can be hard - Or, depending on the amount of whiskey consumed, completely soft. With awkward moments liable to happen at the drop of a hat, contributors PWeekly and Rachel in the Know help you wade through some of datings most brutal obstacles.

The Check
PWeekly: Honestly, who eats? I’m happy to buy a lady two, three or sixteen rounds - hell, if it’s that important I’ll even call those lemon wedges dinner. But a full on meal? That just means my abs will be less “situation” and more “grande burrito” by the end of the night. Also, my breath retains garlic. So, you’re welcome for that ladies.

Rachel in the Know: I would love to sit here and tell you that my 'love don't cost a thing', but in fact it does - and it costs exactly as much as the amount on our dinner bill is. Part of me really wants to believe that it doesn't matter who pays, even on the first date, but the reality is - it does. While most first dates have paid the bill, it's always super uncomfortable once your server places the black book on your table. You want him to pay, but you don't want to look like a stuck up bitch and not even offer. My trick is to do a fake grab for the check in hopes that he will rip it from my hands and pull out his American Express Black Card. For the record, that has never happened. Chances are if you're on a date with a dick, he will actually accept your offer to split the check and you will wind up pissed. If he's a nice guy and wants to see you naked after dinner, he'll pay the tab in full. Your best bet is to go into the date with the notion that chivalry is dead and you will at least be forking over half. Now, if this is your third, forth, etc. date definitely take turns paying. Never split a check. Friends split checks. If he gets dinner, buy the drinks or movie tickets. Oh who am I kidding? You shouldn't have to pay anything. Your payments come in the form of s-ing his d and that should be enough.

Unsolicited Wood
PWeekly: Is there such a thing as unsolicited wood? Shit, with my levels of alcohol consumption any time I can get hard is cause for celebration. If I get wood at any point on a date I know two things, 1: I haven’t yet consumed enough pills to render my bottom half useless, and 2: I’m not on a date with the lunch shift server at Mimi’s. Guys can save me all this shit about unsolicited wood being awkward. Really? Awkward? This would make sense if you were 12 or had a cocktail frank the size of Danny Bonaduce’s and just didn’t notice it before you stood up.

Rachel in the Know: A surprise boner can be one of two things: a blessing or a curse. I've dated many guys who can't get it up so anytime I see a penis on the rise, even if it's while sitting the food court, I’m thankful. I'm not thankful however, when I walk into the bathroom and see my guy jacking his weenis to Olivia Wilde's FHM spread. I have nothing more to say on the subject.

Hairy Leg Discovery
PWeekly: I abstain from any sexual activity during the winter because people don't shave when Bing Crosby is on the radio. I know that from October to March your legs sport more hair than Eric Stoltz’ head in Mask. Women will complain about limp dick syndrome, especially around the holidays. But when men know what kind of friar patch is waiting beneath your new jeggings, you can’t blame the twelve Christmas Drinks we had for our flaccid Fabio's.

Rachel in the Know: Darlin', you said you catch a grenade for me and throw your hand on a blade for me, yet you won’t even graze a prickled hair on my leg for me. As I was whipping my hair back and forth and riding your body, it became clear that Willow Smith’s number 1 single was not just referring to the massive weave of curly jew hair on my head, but rather the coarse mane on my legs. You attended my Bat Mitzvah so it should not come as a surprise that the black lyrca on my legs were not my tights. Yes gentlemen, sometimes right after we shave our legs, the air conditioner kicks in and we get the 5 o’clock shadow which can be uncomfortable, but is that really a deal breaker? You are being ridden like a cowboy at the Professional Bull Riders event at Arco Arena and you’re gunna trip about some leg stubble? Maybe next time since I’m providing the condom, you can provide me with a Bic razor.


luke said...

this should have more comments

Anonymous said...

I'm now imagining cowboys being ridden by bulls at Arco.