April 22, 2013

Retro Monday: Five People You'll Meet on an Elevator

Due to the popularity of water bottles and the declining popularity of stairs, the elevator is becoming the new "water cooler" of the office environment. In the elevator, people engage in very brief conversations about television shows, office gossip, and how fun it is to stand two feet away from someone and pretend like they're not even there. Here are 5 people you'll run into in the office elevator:

Big Important Interview Guy
He's decked out from head to toe in a professional looking suit, and he'll try to start a friendly conversation with you in the off chance that you might be some important executive with the company, even though you're sweaty, smell like chinese food, and are wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday because you went home last night, drank yourself to sleep, then crawled into the office twenty minutes late this morning. You'll converse amicably with him, but you won't hear anything he says because you'll be wondering the whole time if he's interviewing for your job, and if after he gets your job he's going to steal your girlfriend and your dog, and if he might eventually just assume your identity and steal your entire life. You're thinking these things because you're still a little drunk from last night. Just hold it together, man.

The Public Farter
We've all been on an elevator with this guy, and there's a good chance that we've also been this guy at some time or another. Therefore, rather than discussing the infinite ways that being in a fart-laden elevator sucks, let's just talk about the best ways to fart-bomb an elevator: you could just be bold, and let that fart rip in front of everyone onboard, but that's a quick way to lose friends. Most of the time, a workplace environment requires a more subtle approach. Silent-but-Deadlies are a tried-and-true favorite, but it's important to remember that, after you rip it, your reaction and body language should reflect that of the people around you.  If you're the only guy on the elevator who's not watery-eyed and gagging, you'll give yourself away.

Too Much Cologne Guy
Until you ran into this guy, you probably didn't realize that some people's showers drown them in cheap Stetson cologne instead of water every morning, but it's true. How else could somebody be wearing such an ungodly amount of it? Too Much Cologne Guy is both a blessing and a curse: on the one hand, riding an elevator with him for 30 seconds will make you smell deliciously musky for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, that 30 second elevator ride will probably result in you passing out from excessive olfactory stimulation, and you'll lose about fifty thousand brain cells in the process.

Late For a Meeting Guy
If you run into this guy on the elevator, it would be in your best interests to just avoid any form of interaction with him altogether. He's frantic and frustrated, and he'll demonstrate this by swearing under his breath, pounding mercilessly on the elevator buttons, even though they're already clearly lit up, and checking his watch 15 times in the 25 seconds that he's on the elevator. He's completely focused on being an impatient asshole right now, and any effort on your part to alleviate the situation will be met with a sneer and probably a very inappropriate, back-handed insult. It's best to just let him go and get the next one.

Loud Phone Guy
Who the hell knows where this guy came from. Maybe he was a roadie for a metal band in the '80's. Maybe he's the owner and operator of an old Civil War-era cannon. At first, you'll think that this is the most normal-sounding deaf guy you've ever heard. Then you'll realize that he's just an idiot, and he thinks that stepping into an elevator and losing reception means that he's entered some kind of strange galactic warp zone where the phone on the other end of his call has magically become less-powerful, and he needs to scream every single thing he says to get the message through. Either way, the combination of this guy's lack of understanding of how phones work, his complete absense of common etiquette, and the acoustics of an elevator make for an incredibly shitty ride for you.


Caitlin said...

I am DYING! Loud phone guy is the. worst.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious.