March 27, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex Baby! (With Yourself)

Let's face it: everyone loves a good orgasm but the risk of STDs and pregnancy are sometimes too high to chance. That, or you can't find another human being to touch your privates. Or, you're into some really nasty shit and too afraid to bring anyone in on how it's done. Regardless, there are heaps of devices that can get you to that happy place without feeling shamed... or itchy. While a lot of people are ashamed to admit that they jerk it (a lot), PWeekly and Rachel in Know think it's only natural - just like consuming 13 vodkas in a row.

What it is: They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and speeds and you can shove some of them up your hole of choice or use it as a massager. Let’s hope you know which is which.
What is says about you: If you go full-pink rabbit style then you like being simulated at every single angle and are probably a dirty bitch. In a good way. You’re looking for a crazy, mind-blowing night (alone) and will probably have to close your windows in order to not disturb the neighbors…six blocks down. If you’re going simple vibrator, you’re more into having a relaxing orgasm that will give you pleasure, but not completely demotivate you to finish doing your laundry.

What it is:
Basically a prosthetic penis.
What is says about you: You love penis.

Butt Plug: 
What it is: A butt plug is a plug for your anoos, cleverly named for that fact. Generally they’re tapered, so you can ease it in and then you get uncomfortable, then really uncomfortable, then pop, a narrow bottom part so your little pucker closes down over it and - spoiler alert - your butt is plugged.
What it says about you: As a fan of ass stuffing, you probably enjoy a touch of degradation and maybe you have an issue with eating too much fiber. Or not enough.

What it is:
A small, but extremely powerful vibrating bullet-shaped object used to simulate a woman.
What is says about you: This is definitely for the working woman. If you need an O fast and hard, this is the way to go. Have you ever been in between meetings but so ridiculously horny that you have to come or you will explode? That’s what is this for. That or, you’re reading fifty shades of grey and you don’t have available hands.

What it is:
A highly advanced dick mitten shaped like any number of amusing orifices and potentially modeled after a specific orifice.
What it says about you: You’re likely the founder of

Blow Up Doll:
What it is:
An inflatable toy purported to be shaped like a woman, but typically only in the most rudimentary way.
What it says about you: You prioritize carpooling. And you’re despicable.

What it is:
The thing on the end of your arm (hopefully) containing fingers.
What is says about you: You are either extremely motivated or have run out of batteries. Regardless, it takes a lot of work to self-stimulate but the end product is glorious.


Anonymous said...

This was awesome!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Spot on too.

Anonymous said...

I'm in serious love with this. And trying new "things" tonight because of it.