February 19, 2013

mayonnaise is the devil

Mayonnaise is not tasty. I begin with the worst culprit, fast food mayonnaise. I can’t think of anything that is more vomit inducing than warm mayonnaise that has been sitting out for hours near a heat lamp growing all kinds of bacteria, parasites, and decomposing insects. Please don’t give me the, “Oh come on, it’s not that bad.” You would be incorrect. Do you trust the minimum wage fast food worker to shuffle back and forth between their “station” at the grill and the walk-in fridge to ensure that the 30 billion doses of mayonnaise for the day are nice and fresh? Hello? Wake up! That mayonnaise has been warmer than room temperature and exposed to elements and creatures alike for hours and you’re eating it. Rule: mayonnaise spoils; if you are going to put in your body: a) know where the closest emergency room is, and b) know where it’s been (the answer should include refrigeration).

Inexplicably however, mayonnaise use is diverse. But I would posit that the setting for mayonnaise consumption is almost universally irrelevant. Even at a respectable dining establishment, these guys are busy. That funk is still going to sit out unrefrigerated, it’s warm, it’s viscous, it looks like horse sperm and smells like it as well. Question: If you are eating something with mayonnaise in it, are you really eating at a respectable dining establishment?

Lastly, I would be remiss if I were to ignore another common American phenomenon: at-home mayonnaise. Millions of American households have jars of mayonnaise that have been left, seal broken, in their refrigerator in excess of six months. I have no problem with food that does not spoil – WHEN IT IS IN A SEALED CONTAINER. The seal has been broken and it is acceptable to eat months later??? I don’t want to eat anything with that kind of staying power.

Rule: there is a positive relationship between variables “length of time in fridge” and “velocity of escape from lower intestine”. That’s math people, look into it


Anonymous said...

HILARIOUS! I hate mayo!

NotMyFirstMayo said...

Paragraph 1: Mayonnaise is bad because it spoils.
Paragraph 3: Mayonnaise is bad because it doesn't spoil.

In Spain they don't refrigerate the stuff at all.