January 3, 2013

Sober State of Mind

It’s only January 3, but if you are one of the millions of people swearing off booze for the famous “Sober January,” you’re already twitching from withdrawal. Some of us will relapse tonight, others will make it to mid-month, and those of us who make it all the way to February 1 will end up dying from acute alcohol poisoning in the bathroom of Elixir. In hindsight, this is the worst fucking resolution of all time.

But if we’re being realistic, this isn’t a resolution at all. It’s half-time, and the locker room is our place to give the body a break from raging cases of vodka-shits and rampant chest pains. Then back to the field we go. Below,  PWeekly and Rachel in the Know offer up a few things to consider to help pass the time:

1. Create a new "jogging" playlist then promptly not jog

2. Finally be able to reach your vibrator’s full potential before passing out

3.
Pretend to care about cooking

4.
Realize your cable has been shut off

5.
Feed your oft-ignored pet

6.
Wash a dish

7.
Bribe your married friends to cook you dinner

8.
See if you can read 50 Shades of Grey without touching yourself

9.
Extensively research the validity of Mermaids

10.
Take a normal shit

11.
Actually drive your car instead of AAA’s Tipsy Tow service

12.
Identify where the cat shit is residing in your bedroom

13.
Sleep in your own bed without pissing in it

14.
Acquire a dangerous addiction to ZzzQuil

15.
Continue to ignore any and all voicemails

16.
Finally recognize that Del Taco is completely foul

17.
Attend a family function without passing out in your nephew’s bunk bed

18.
Successfully mastermind a PayPal money laundering scheme via your parent’s credit card to reimburse    yourself for the $300 you spent at Chargins on Christmas

19.
Delete all 27 new numbers you stored in your iPhone since Thanksgiving

20.
Continue to ignore all of your friends’ baby photos on Facebook

21.
Wash your duvet cover instead of just your pillow cases

22.
Buy a bunch of scrapbooking materials from Michael’s and then just sit on Facebook for four hours

23.
Drink water, instead of violently chugging it

24.
Get your toilet paper from Safeway instead of the communal bathroom at work

25. Shine bright like a diamond

26.
Say fuck it and walk to Alley Katz

4 comments:

luke said...

i enjoyed this

Anonymous said...

This is awesome.

Beth said...

Best gift all holiday season.

Anonymous said...

This was... Spot on.