August 23, 2012

will work for booze

As part of PWeekly.com's ongoing "How to Be A Decent Fucking Human Being"* series, today we're teaching the tens upon tens of our readers how to nail a job interview. Here at PWeekly, we assume our readership is a direct reflection of our writing staff, and if that is the case, then you are well-hung, intelligent, and typically unemployed. Once you run out of money and get fired from your part time job at a mall kiosk for smoking too many cigarettes, you'll be faced with the daunting task of finding new work and enduring the interview process. But remember: You’re well-hung and deserve a good job! These tips are just the ticket for landing that ego busting job you'll eventually come to loathe!

1. Exude an I-Don't-Give-A-Shit Attitude
Potential employers are like hot women waiting for you to impress them with fancy drinks. If you walk in there looking all needy and desperate, your loser stink will permeate their office and they will consequently pass on you. If possible, have a hommie call you mid-interview. Answer your cell and pretend it’s another employer offering you a window office and the key to Christina Applegate's petty cash box.

2. Flip The Script!
It’s a tough one to pull off, but use the charm you inherited from your alcoholic father to control the conversation. Answer generic questions like "What best suits you for this position?" with "My ability to hold my liquor at networking events."

3. Use the force Luke!
Show up looking like a Jedi knight wielding all sorts of light sabers. Everybody has a firm handshake. Luke Skywalker lost half his arm in battle and can can still fist your mother. That's the kind of confidence it takes to stand out and nail an interview.

*This is not an ongoing series.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amazing 80's movie reference!

Chris said...

Can you do my next interview?