April 6, 2012

Robo's Ramblings: This Place Sucks - The 2012 F List

“KCRA, where the depressing, apocalyptic news comes first,” has started soliciting nominations for its annual “A-List” competition. Looking back, I don’t think I have ever gone to a place because they made the “A-List,” “Best of Sacramento,” or “Least Violent of Oak Park” lists. In fact, I would say quite the opposite is true. I usually read those lists and say something to myself like, “That place won? Fuck them. This list is shit. Did monkeys learn how to use the internet?” This leads me to eventually stop reading the list and wonder how the fuck PWeekly.com ever managed to win a couple of these awards considering we post something about as often as you hear someone say, “I graduated from UC Merced. Go Golden Bobcats!”

In response to self-gratifying, meaningless contest season, I put together a list of things in the Sacramento area that I think are awful. Anything or anyone can make this list – freeways, bars, parks, veterinarians – nothing is off-limits. This year, I asked my fellow contributors here at PWeekly.com to each contribute something to the list. Their submissions will be at the bottom because, as I have stated many times in this blog, I am the star and stars go first. Without further ado, I present to you, my dear reader, the 2012 PWeekly F List.

The South Sacramento Costco – Being a resident of the beautiful City of Elk Grove has its many benefits – good schools, great parks, clean streets, trigger-happy cops, and a Trader Joe’s parking lot without psychotically depressed soccer moms. To my extreme disappointment, a neighborhood Costco is not one of them. If I want to stock up on water skis and chicken thighs, I am closest to the Costco in South Sacramento. This is the worst Costco in the entire chain (unless they have a store in Mogadishu, Somalia I am unaware of). It’s crowded, the food court is inside and packed at all times with cheap fucks, it carries a ton of weird Asian food products in lieu of “normal” stuff (I consider pig’s feet and those little canned hot dog wienies weird), there are bums out front drinking tall cans, the gas station lines are worse than the traffic getting into the Green Zone, and the people that work there are dicks because nine out of every ten customers in their line don’t speak English. The free sample stations remind me of a United Nations video I once saw where the volunteers were throwing bags of rice off of trucks and people were darting towards them, clawing and scratching at one another to get a few measly cups for their families. It’s fucking hell. Now, I just drive to Lodi and avoid it altogether. Costco has let a store get so shitty that I would rather drive 45 minutes out of my way to go to another location. In ten years, I think the South Sac Costco will just be a giant 7-11.

The State Capitol – California is laying-off cops and firefighters. The state’s schools look like a set from “the Walking Dead.” The Donner Party had an easier road to travel on through the Sierra Nevada. People in the Central Valley are getting neck cancer from drinking toxic ground water. Yet…once every few weeks, on my walk into work, I see some dude tearing out one of the Capitol’s many garden beds and replanting it with about 3,000 fresh flowers. Talk about living in a fucking bubble. In these desperate financial times, the folks that make the decisions at the State Capitol don’t think that maybe this looks bad? I get it. It’s a state park and it has historical significance so it should look presentable. But fuck, can’t these people plant some evergreen shrubs or something?

Sacramento Magazine – I have a few slogan suggestions for the magazine they might consider using in order to let the reader know what they’re in store for before they buy it. They are as follows: “Sacramento Magazine: Your Source for Plastic Surgery Advertisements”; “Sacramento Magazine: Lots of Pretty Pictures, None of the Pesky Articles”; “Sacramento Magazine: Featuring RE Graswich’s Home Improvement Tips”; “Niello BMW of El Dorado Hills Presents Sacramento Magazine”; “Sacramento Magazine: Full of Pictures of Rich People Making Themselves Fee Good”; “Sacramento Magazine: Our ‘Best Of’ List and Our Advertisers Are the Same”; and “Sacramento Magazine: Burn Me.”

The AM/PM Gas Station on Elk Grove Blvd (and everywhere else I assume) – It’s 2012 and AM/PM still doesn’t accept credit cards at the pump. The main reason I go to AM/PM is because it is typically about five-to-ten cents less a gallon than surrounding stations. The only place that’s cheaper is Costco, but then you have to go to Costco (see post above). But, if Robo, the smart consumer, wants to save on gas and get some miles or some cash back on his Venture Card, he is fucked at AM/PM because they only honor cards on the STAR network (they also rent Sega Genesis games and sell “Cruisin’ to the 80s” tapes at the register). I guess they are passing the savings achieved from not paying credit card transaction fees on to the consumer in the form of hot dog discounts, free Tapatio packets for Luke on Life, and Mountain Dews large enough to battle Charlie Sheen’s coke habit.

FOX 40 News – Let me start by congratulating the folks over at Fox 40 on the recent switch to HD. You guys finally did it and it only took you eight years longer than everyone else. Maybe one day you’ll get a copter and a second news van. This newscast is like watching a bunch of small children put on a play for their parents. Based on the number of technical difficulties, you would think they were covering a tornado every night. The weather girl’s hair makes me think she has not yet realized she graduated high school. The set appears to have been designed by the team over at Yo Gabba Gabba. One of the field reporters is always sweaty and looks like he is doing Chris Farley’s “fat guy in a little coat” impression. My five-month old son possesses the same amount of sports “insight” as Jim Crandell. They are currently running a “Faces of Meth” pictorial on their website.

State Employees – Yep, these folks made the list again in 2012 for the simple reason that nothing has changed. I hadn’t planned on including them again because I was sort of over it, but then something interesting happened this morning as I walked in to work. I observed a state employee pull into a handicapped parking spot, struggle to get her big-ass out of her car, go into her trunk (for what I can only assume is a walker or cane) and pull out a chocolate cake (in a special cake carrying Tupperware contraption), and walk perfectly unimpaired (albeit wobbly) to her building’s entrance ten yards away. I know she was a state employee and not a cake delivery lady because she was dressed in jeans, tennis shoes, and laziness. Another example of why I fucking despise most of my fellow state employees. This shit is not acceptable! NOT ACCEPTABLE! I am considering starting an anti-union campaign even though it would likely have adverse effects on me personally.

Chops Steakhouse – On Friday’s, I used to enjoy heading to Chops for the burger and beer special for $10. They only did the deal on Fridays because you’re an alcoholic if you drink at lunch Monday-Thursday (PWeekly). The burger was good and they gave you a few choices for sides. Even better, Chops was never really that crowded on Fridays because all of the Legislators head back to their districts. I am writing all of this in the past tense because Chops stopped offering this deal and shut down for lunch altogether on Fridays. Last time I checked, Chops is one of the vendors on restaurants.com offering discounted gift cards. Restaurants.com is like the Big 5 Sporting Goods of dining deal websites. Basically, you’d buy cleats and shit for your kids there, but you’re going to Sports Chalet to get your own gear. Maybe Chops should think twice about cutting out its only decent lunch special. It’s lunch…I want a cheap sandwich, not a 40-day aged porterhouse and mashed potatoes. Okay, that does sound bomb. Good thing Morton’s started doing lunch on Fridays.

The City of Sacramento – The other day on the radio I heard a campaign for a fund drive by Save Mart grocery stores to keep Sacramento’s public pools open this summer so that unsupervised kids can have somewhere to pee and get kicked out of. Why the fuck are we selling parking meter rights and delaying millionaire’s loan repayments to build an arena for a team that ranks 28th in the league in attendance?

PWeekly: GV Hurley’s/Red Lotus/Red Rabbit – Exactly what the fuck is going on here? A “new” bar that looks exactly the same, with an almost the identical name? You can’t fool me Red Rabbit. Except when you did two weekends ago when I mistakenly showed up at River Rock, thinking it was Red Rabbit. J street needs to get better at not having bars that start with ‘R’ on it – I’m not trying to pay attention to things like “building fronts” and “business names” when I’m excessively drinking. And really Red Rabbit, why not just name yourself GV Hurley’s 2 because frankly, that’s what you are.

As for the other two, Luke on Life just sent me an email that read, “El Novillero's de-evolution. It’s worse than T-bell now,” and Rachel in the Know just wrote “bangs.” Thank you, guys. Apparently, if it’s not a post about cantaloupe versus honeydew melon, or getting a vaginal infection from masturbating with a wine bottle, Luke and Rachel have a hard time putting pen to paper.

That’s it folks, another year in the books. I will begin drafting a certificate that PWeekly can mail to this year’s winners letting them know how much we appreciate them. Hopefully, this will light the fires of change and you and I will see improvements to our fair metropolis in the years to come. In the meantime, please throw water balloons filled with chocolate icing at any state workers you see wearing jeans on days of the week other than Friday.

Author’s Note: Every time I submit a column, I ask PWeekly, the Editor-In-Chief of this blog, to edit my work before posting it. All he does is change the colors of the words and add a picture. I apologize for any errors, but as I have said to my boss many times, it’s hard to edit your own shit.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Spot on!

Beth said...

Sac mag is all ads!

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha

Laura Braden said...

Not sure how I missed this when it first posted, but thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for writing. This is spot on in every way possible.

luke said...

i hope i'm not to late in commenting on this but i really like it!

sincerely,

luke