September 30, 2011

robo's ramblings: The World Would Be A Better Place If…

Admittedly, I have come down with a serious case of writer’s block these last few months. I have started dozens of posts for this website, only to hit delete because, for lack of a better term, they all sucked camel dicks. Nobody wants to hear about why I like my gym so much or why you’re a fucking lunatic if you watch Fox news on the regular (I’ll save the latter for election season). However hard I tried, I couldn’t come up with anything and I sure is shit wasn’t going to take Patrick’s suggestion of writing a blog about which Jonas brother has better hair or which shows are my early favorites for this year’s Daytime Emmys.

Anyway, I was staring at a postcard from Al the Wop’s bar in Locke, CA that hangs above my desk and I thought to myself, “The world would be a better place if all bars were like Al the Wop’s” and the idea for this blog was born (profound thought I know). To put it simply, this is a list of things I think would make the world a better place. Go ahead and mail the Pulitzer to my office and any book deals should be negotiated through PWeekly’s man pony. I realize that some of these are incredibly stupid (okay, pretty much all of them are stupid), but give them some thought and maybe they’ll grow on you. In the meantime, if you’d like to suggest a blog topic for yours truly to help me get past the current AIDS-like bout of writers block I have been battling, please do so in the comments section and I’ll get right on it.

  • The world would be a better place if everyone’s father was more like Coach Eric Taylor from the hit television series ‘Friday Night Lights’ and everyone had a friend who walked around saying, "Texas forever."

  • The world would be a better place without most of Southern California.

  • The world would be a better place if professional athletes were forced to travel back in time and sign their contracts at age 10, without an agent present, and racecar drivers had to do it at age 5.

  • The world would be a better place if the governor issued an executive order setting forth guidelines for state employee appearance and dress similar to what a Catholic high school does on liturgy (mass) day.

  • The world would be a better place if the Disney Afternoon still ran in its early 90s format of ‘DuckTales,’ ‘Rescue Rangers,’ ‘TaleSpin,’ and ‘Darkwing Duck.’

  • The world would be a better place if my car ran on my dog’s shit.

  • The world would be a better place if Mormons never learned how to ride bikes.

  • The world would be a better place if pizza and gold did not cost the same amount per ounce.

  • The world would be a better place if my friend C#$&*@+ was not allowed to use Facebook™ ever again.

  • The world would be a better place if Saturday Night Live pulled into the garage, closed the garage door, rolled down the windows, and left the car running.

  • The world would be a better place if the purchase of guns and ammunition required a bachelor’s degree and at least three years experience hunting feral cats.

  • The world would be a better place if all places of work had an anonymous complaint box similar to what McDonald’s and Wal-Mart do so that once a month valued employees could tell their boss how disappointed they are that they didn’t file the paperwork for their promotion on time so now they have to wait an extra few weeks for their raise.

  • The world would be a better place if Bruce Springsteen became a career counselor at a high school when he finished with music.

  • The world would be a better place if the writers of seasons five and six of ‘Lost’ had to answer for their crimes against humanity at a full hearing of the ICC in the Hague.

  • The world would be a better place if Denny’s brought back the Breakfast Dagwood and ran a year-long special celebrating its return.

  • The world would be a better place if you were only allowed to date a person from Midtown, Sacramento once in your entire life.

  • The world would be a better place if Costco required a membership fee of $1,000 annually, with $900-$950 (depending on whether or not an executive or regular membership is purchased) going towards a credit for in-store and online purchases.

  • The world would be a better place if Jim Crow laws were reinstated, except instead of targeting black people they targeted hippies and fixed-gear bikes.

  • The world would be a better place if all restaurants followed the Spaghetti Factory’s business model.

  • The world would be a better place if all elected officials were required to have a gay Muslim immigrant child serving in the military with a penchant for weed, You Porn, and middle-class tax breaks.

  • The world would be a better place if, after 102 years, Roseville closed its doors.

  • The world would be a better place if Bryan “Birdman” Williams was a speech writer for President Obama.

  • The world would be a better place if someone remade ‘Commando’ again except this time they did a better job of explaining why the nerdy guy gets shot by the “garbage men” in the beginning and how the Porsche magically fixes itself.

  • The world would be a better place if Wienerschnitzel invented a fat-free chili-cheese dog and officially put “the Dude” on the menu (chili-cheese dog, chili-cheese burger, chili-cheese fries, and a large Pepsi…my record is three minutes start to finish).

  • The world would be a better place if PWeekly had been born poor and was allergic to alcohol, long hair, and beards.

  • The world would be a better place if I stopped writing this blog.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

100% yes!

Chris said...

PWeekly has gone list crazy. I like it. Big ups to Duck Tales.

Anonymous said...

"like"

Jennifer said...

I agree. Loving these lists. More?