September 1, 2011

lol: luke on life

Flicking a booger and thinking its still stuck to your finger then looking at your finger and seeing that its gone invokes the same amount of anxiety as trying to hit a spider, missing, and realizing it's still somewhere under your bed. I always have to do the self pat down like I'm looking for my lost keys to make sure it isn't stuck to my forehead.

Why do we wash veggies? To protect us from e-coli? Really? Because that comes from poop. If I take a shit and just rinse my hands under some cold water would you suck my thumb? Exactly. If there's poop on your veggies you're fucked. Unless you wash them in hot water with soap but whose got that kinda time?

If seeds were the equivalent of emotional baggage, then limes would definitely not let lemons join their citrus club because lemons got way too much of that shit.

How long do you think crushes last? Do you still see your significant other the same way as the day you met? I always wonder this when I hear my folks lust over some star or starlet they used to have a crush on as if they were still 16. It seems so weird. It's the Kennedy Awards dad, that chick looks wrinkled as shit. Am I supposed to believe that if I happen to end up in the same old peoples home as Mila Kunis when we're 87 I'm still gonna be down to tare her diaper off and put in work?

The relationship between 'category' and 'puzzle answer' on Wheel of Fortune is vague at best.

How excited do hard to reach boogers get the second after you get done trimming your nails? "Ha Ha asshole, you won't be able to reach me for at least nine days." Boogers are my new spider if you haven't already figured that out.

Facebook is a pretty cool idea. I could do without all the constant changes but I do enjoy the access to friends I don't often see that it allows. I also enjoy the privacy you're able to afford yourself via its security settings as opposed to MySpace (what's a MySpace?) but the ghost commenters its spawned are very annoying:

Ann Anonymous is now at Restaurant A.
1 hour ago

Sam Peoples: I love A. have the cheese plate.

Jon Samms: OMG! Tell Rubio I said whut up!

Sara Noir: You still there? I'm next door

Ann Anonymous: @sam it was soooo good. @jon he wasn't there @mitchell hahaha never @sara no we left :(

Who the fuck is Mitchell? You should not be able to be invisible to some people on the comment thread. It confuses the shit outta everybody. What are you, Jason Bourne? Nobody is following you.


Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Love this.

Beth said...

Boogers ARE the new spider.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahaha. LOL, where have you been?

Paul Alexander said...

Fuck! This shit is confusing for the under initiated! Hahaha?

Anonymous said...

love this shit.

luke said...

i've been here the whole time.

Anonymous said...