I am probably the last one who should be writing a column on Facebook© etiquette considering all I do is link to liberal articles catering to my politics and post terrible jokes about my domestic situation, but it had to be done. Father’s Day was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I have touched on my great umbrage for certain types of posts in previous ramblings, but the recent bombardment of women using Facebook™ to post about how great their baby daddies are made me want to pour lye in my eyes. I know that I am not the only one who finds this crap insufferable and my list of grievances extends well beyond what happened on Father’s Day. PWeekly suggested I use this space to throw a few of them out there and I jumped at the chance to shit all over my friends.
Nothing in this cyber world annoys me more than when a Facebook® user abuses their wall space to tell everyone how great their significant other is. I fucking hate it. I hate it more than Brad Pitt hates the fact that he made Cool World. I hate it more than NWA hates the police. I hate it more than Manny Pacquiao hates women. I hate it more than Lauren Hill hates white dudes with dreadlocks. The worst part is that their significant other is probably less than 30 feet from them and they have the fucking nerve to get on Facebook® and type something like, “My husband is the greatest husband ever. He is so awesome and so nice to me. He brought me lunch to work today. He loves me so much. Love you too babe,” instead of messaging him directly, texting him, calling him, writing him a note, or better yet, telling him in person because he is probably sitting fucking next to her on the couch. Every time I see one of these posts I immediately think of two things: 1) that person is a fucking lame attention whore; and 2) Chris Rock’s Bring the Pain standup when he is talking about how black dudes like to brag about things they are supposed to do (like taking care of their kids) and Chris Rock’s response is “You supposed to you dumb motha fucka!” I am getting to the point where I am going to delete these people (and I mean it this time). This will probably leave my friend count around 60 if I’m lucky. At least I will never have to deal with this shit again. I would rather eat AIDS for breakfast.
Now that that rant’s over, checking-in would be my next gripe. I do not care where someone is and no one else does either and people who do this are assholes for assuming that anyone gives a shit. I hope that one day someone checks-in somewhere and it ends up getting them stabbed in the leg by some creepy tattooed stalker named Kris Kool that they forgot they added two years ago. Checking in should be reserved for seriously cool shit. A buddy of mine used it to check in at the White House. Another friend checked in at Churchill Downs. Those are acceptable. Checking in at the Golden Bear for the fifteenth time of the week makes me want to drive over there and slash your fixed-gear’s tires.
Next up, retards who constantly post pictures of shitty meals they made or food from restaurants that everybody eats at. If someone makes a soufflé at home and wants to post a picture of it so people can see that they have conquered the impossible, fine by me. However, if they BBQ a fucking tri-tip or make some tacos and post a picture of it with a comment that reads, “We eatin’ bomb 2-nite,” I hope they get food poisoning or drop their phone in the toilet so as to prevent them from posting a future picture of the fried rice they made. Furthermore, stop uploading photos from restaurants we have all been to. I get it; the Squeeze Inn puts a lot of cheese on its burger. Save that shit for French Laundry or for weight-less meals on the Shuttle Discovery for crying out loud.
Moving on, I hate it when users write their posts like an illiterate fuck or use slang terms that they and two other people get. It just reinforces the stereotype that these people are idiots who refuse to come to grips with the fact that we speak the Queen’s English and the hip-hop game has passed them by. “Wuz up folks! Bout 2 get my parteeeeee and drank on wit my boyz. C ya at da club. LATER TOTS!” These people are 33-god-damn-years old and communicate like a kid from The Wire. I cannot believe that somewhere along the line I added people like this as my friend and have remained friends with them. I should force myself to hang out in Greenhaven for a weekend as punishment. Fuck, I really need to do a housecleaning in the friend department.
Finally, people who post something on their wall even though they just scanned the newsfeed and saw that a bunch of other people just posted the same thing. If they’re the first or second one to see or do something and post about it, super. These are the people that type something like, “So excited for the Britney Spears concert tonight. It’s Britney bitch!” after seeing that fifteen other people just typed the same. It makes no sense to me. (I know there are a few PWeekly readers who are guilty of this). Be fucking original. If you must announce to your Facebook™ crew that you have plans to see a show, make it funny and original. “Going to Arco with my friend tonight to see a crazy chick dress like a hooker and dance like a slut…and I’m not talking about Britney,” would be a much better post. Also, Giants fans, do we really need to see a picture of every game you attend? I get that you’re trying to overcompensate for the fact that you didn’t give two shits about the Giants before last October by showing how “down” you are this year for the team, but knock that shit off.
A few of the above mentioned transgressions I have been guilty of in the past. I was young and didn’t realize how annoying they were. I have posted a few pics of sensationally cooked meals like meatloaf on the BBQ, and maybe done some unoriginal posting during last year’s Giants World Series run (FUCKING GIANTS!), but that’s about the extent of it. I have never checked-in anywhere, nor have I felt the self-gratifying need to tell my wife how great she is in the public realm of Facebook® (I do it at home in person and she is perfectly okay with it). I realize that this is just me bitching about the things that drive me nucking futs, but I am sure if most of you gave it some thought (or just read through the wall posts) you would see what I am talking about and you too would want AIDS for breakfast. However, I have this sneaking suspicion that my friends on Facebook® who also read PWeekly will probably only step-up their game for the pure joy of knowing that they are annoying the piss out of me.
RIP Ryan Dunn! – with no one at his computer.