April 7, 2011

robo's ramblings: the f-list

PWeekly was in desperate need of some content today because our blog is up for an award. I think it’s the KCRA A-List, which I understand to be a list of people, places, and things that folks love the most about Sacramento. I didn’t have much time to think of anything creative to write because I am working on an exciting blog for next week about the Teen Idol circuit, so I quickly put together this list about the Sacramento shit I hate. Without further ado, here is Robo’s F-List.

K Street Mall – It amazes me how fast the stretch of downtown between 10th Street and the freeway, adjacent to and including the mall, has gone to hell. When I go to the mall on my lunch break to buy my wife stuff, the thought that I may get robbed on my way back to work always crosses my mind. K Street is like recess at a continuation school. The mall itself is riddled with empty store fronts and niche stores selling bean bags and purple dress suits. I actually felt bad for the guys trying to sell fucking Hyundai’s at the mall because the likely of hood of that happening was the same as the homeless guy out front not having shit in his pants. “I think I am gonna head to the mall today. I need to grab a new hoodie and a Sonata.” I suppose this is what happens when some asshole developer green-lights an outdoor mall in a town with an average rain fall of 21 inches and a winter temperature that drops into the 30s.

Second Saturday – I've got news for you. If you're having a fashion show on the sidewalk, displaying your art in a bar, or playing music in a smoothie cafe in Midtown Sacramento, it’s probably time for you to change career paths or choose a different hobby. The city should not coddle these people any longer and stop dedicating one day a month - full of shootings and drunk douchebags from Roseville - for them to show off their work. Anything Sacramento ever tries to do turns fucking ghetto immediately, so it’s best just not to do it or at least keep it a fucking secret (See: Thursday Night Market).

Light Rail – I rode Light Rail (the train not the band) to work every day for three years, so I speak from experience when I say that it is a fucking mess. It's as if some guys back in the ‘80s got together and decided they wanted to emulate other cities, built a scale model out of Duplo Blocks, put a bunch of possible stations in a hat, and randomly plotted its course. If you look at a map of Sacramento’s Light Rail system, you realize that it goes nowhere important (unless your homeless or attend City College). Every ghetto in Sacramento? Yep. The airport, the major university, either sporting venue, or the area’s largest mall? Nope. Also, what the fuck is up with the fares? It costs me the same amount to ride two blocks in downtown as it does to go to Folsom. How does that make any sense? And who the fuck works security on the trains? I feel like I got off the bus at a prison every time I ride it. “Welcome to the Blue Line New Fish! D-Ray saved you a seat.”

State Route 99 – There is a scene in the movie LA Story when Steve Martin’s character Harris is on the freeway and he realizes that shooting season has just opened. Everyone is shooting at each other and driving erratically in order to escape with their lives. I think of that scene whenever I drive on Highway 99 between Downtown and Elk Grove.

Joe’s Crab Shack – Was Old Sac really that hard up? It boggles my mind that such an amazing location is reserved for shitty food, overpriced drinks in fish bowls, and singing waiters. How is this place still open for business? I have this dream that one day soon, while the wait staff are stomping their feet and line dancing, the restaurant will fall into the river. Then, a few years later, when the dust has settled from the Great Joe’s Crab Shack Tragedy of 2012, a new restaurant and bar will take its place. In my dream, the new restaurant would sell Mexican food and margaritas and give you sombreros on your birthday.

State Employees – I am a state employee and I hate my kind. I am embarrassed that I am in any way associated with these people. I am referring to the state employee that wears jorts and a t-shirt to work, takes a smoke break every 15 minutes, drinks 54oz sodas for breakfast, takes the elevator one floor, shits all over the bathroom, thinks birthday cake is part of a food group, and feels a sense of entitlement because they graduated high school. When the public votes to cut our pensions it will because when they cast their ballot, they will be thinking of you and not me and I despise you for that.

The Trader Joe’s Parking Lot – I am referring to the one on Folsom. Anyone living in or around downtown knows what I am talking about. Trader Joe’s built a store smack dab in the middle of one of the busiest residential neighborhoods in the city and then decided that 30 parking spots would suffice. Pulling into that lot is like attending a sporting event or driving in Mexico. Sometimes I will pull into the lot and then just leave because the parking lot is so frustrating. Fuck that place. Two-buck Chuck is not worth it. Now that I live in Elk Grove, I attend a civilized Trader Joe’s with ample parking and my anxiety level has dropped significantly. However, my addiction to Tejava and Pirate’s Booty has reared its ugly head.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many more things that I despise about our fair city. I just don’t have the time to list them all. I encourage you to add the things you would like to see on the F-List and maybe next year, PWeekly and I will put together a contest similar to what Stan Atkinson does, and hand out certificates to all these people, places, and things.

Now, I must get back to my blog about the Teen Idol circuit. Robo out!

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious!
I love Second Saturday's though.

Katie said...

The K Street portion killed me!

Jeremy said...

The F-List Awards need to happen!

Christopher Fryer said...

Hilarious. And also, I'd like to add to the F-List.

What's up with every other street corner smelling like rotten sewage? Are there a bunch of cracked sewer pipes underneath us that no one has the balls to admit fault to? I could be on the nicest walk with my sweet-heart and pass through this bubble of shit-smell that spoils any appetite we might've had.

Anonymous said...

Nice.

luke said...

tejava is bomb, continuation school recess is funny, and robo is sexy.
thanks for bringin the heat to save the blog.
kiss.

Lo said...

I believe for the first time in my semi-adult life, Robo & I have agreed on something!

Jaed said...

Trader Joe's parking lot is like a real-life version of Mario Kart.

Anonymous said...

i have a pewb in my mouth right now

Vicki said...

Sorry you live in Elk Grove.

Austin said...

I completely concur on 99 and Trader Joe's. Get real.

Matt said...

@ Vicki: Why? It was by choice.

Vicki said...

That sounded brattier than I meant it to. I lived there for 24 years it got pretty unbearable by the end. Insane urban sprawl, irresponsible and incompetent city planning, an irrational mustang-to-regular cars ratio. :) I haven't been back in almost 7 years, perhaps it's changed.

anonymice said...

I wrote a yelp review about the Midtown Stench http://www.yelp.com/biz/midtown-stench-sacramento#hrid:8AxYG55SCbTLpgCs_JsqKg

Bob Hesket said...

You don't like 2nd Saturday or artists? Then DON'T GO to 2nd Saturday. I know artists that sell art out of bars all the time and probably make more money at it than a shitty blogger bitching about them for no good reason. Don't blame artists, blame the city for mismanaging as usual. Anyway, you sound a bit bitter, perhaps you should change career paths and move out of that apartment in Roseville. Oh, snap

Anonymous said...

@Bob Hesket - so your art sales at second saturday have been declining i see.

Anonymous said...

@ Bob - I do this for free, your art sucks if you're selling it in a bar (it sells out for the same reason fat chicks get laid - people are drunk and it looks good at the time), and I live in Elk Grove, not Roseville (after living in and around Midtown for the better part of a decade).

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