March 24, 2011

Mayonnaise is the devil

Mayonnaise is not tasty. I begin with the worst culprit, fast food mayonnaise. I can’t think of anything that is more vomit inducing than warm mayonnaise that has been sitting out for hours near a heat lamp growing all kinds of bacteria, parasites, and decomposing insects. Please don’t give me the, “Oh come on, it’s not that bad.” You would be incorrect. Do you trust the minimum wage fast food worker to shuffle back and forth between their “station” at the grill and the walk-in fridge to ensure that the 30 billion doses of mayonnaise for the day are nice and fresh? Hello? Wake up! That mayonnaise has been warmer than room temperature and exposed to elements and creatures alike for hours and you’re eating it. Rule: mayonnaise spoils; if you are going to put in your body: a) know where the closest emergency room is, and b) know where it’s been (the answer should include refrigeration).

Inexplicably however, mayonnaise use is diverse. But I would posit that the setting for mayonnaise consumption is almost universally irrelevant. Even at a respectable dining establishment, these guys are busy. That funk is still going to sit out unrefrigerated, it’s warm, it’s viscous, it looks like horse sperm and smells like it as well. Question: If you are eating something with mayonnaise in it, are you really eating at a respectable dining establishment?

Lastly, I would be remiss if I were to ignore another common American phenomenon: at-home mayonnaise. Millions of American households have jars of mayonnaise that have been left, seal broken, in their refrigerator in excess of six months. I have no problem with food that does not spoil – WHEN IT IS IN A SEALED CONTAINER. The seal has been broken and it is acceptable to eat months later??? I don’t want to eat anything with that kind of staying power. Rule: there is a positive relationship between variables “length of time in fridge” and “velocity of escape from lower intestine”. That’s math people, look into it

12 comments:

Bobby said...

FUCK ALL THINGS MAYONNAISE! This is an awesome post!

Reid said...

Bring out the best foods and bring out the BEST!

Anonymous said...

That was the most AWESOME post ever!!!!!!!!!!!

Mayo is revolting. It smells like vomit and I would rather eat Rocky Mountain Oysters for the rest of my life than to ever have taste that disgusting substance.

God Bless you PWeekly. Wish there were more around like you.

Matt said...

I will not even read this post because of its absurdity.

rachel in the know said...

Damn, people are loving this. Next week let's take on sour cream.

Vicki said...

But really, when was the last time you ordered a Famous Star with no mayo. Sometimes it's just a necessity.

PWeekly said...

To Bobby and Anon - I will muster all the courage it takes to promote the awfulness that is mayonnaise as long as I walk the earth!

PWeekly said...

Honk! No dice Vicki! I'm all about the Big Carl - Sans mayo!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous posts are super lame.

Vicki said...

You are TRIPPIN.

Anonymous said...

Famous Star? Really? Western Bacon Cheeseburger, bitches.

Ryan said...

NOT mad at a Western Bacon call.