March 30, 2011

dylan mckay vs zack morris

Dylan McKay - by Robo

On one side of the ball you have the Porsche-driving, wave-riding, Jack-drinking, rich girl-boning stud of a man named Dylan McKay. On the other, a camera-talking, pant-pegging, voice-cracking, tucked in striped T-shirt-wearing fruit cake known as Zack Morris. In my opinion, there is no debate. I could just end it right here and everyone would be in agreement that Dylan is by far a better character than Zack. But, because this is a debate of sorts, I suppose I will have to give further explanation.

Parents/Home Life - Dylan's mother was an Australian hottie who lived a fast lifestyle and came in and out of his life. His father was a criminal who may or may not have been blown up by one of Dylan's girlfriend's fathers. Also, there was a chance that he had a little sister, but I have erased all elements of that plot line from my memory. Zack, like all of the kids on Saved by the Bell, did not have parents or siblings, or at least we never saw them. As far as I could tell, they didn't even have front doors because they always used each other's bedroom windows.
Edge: Dylan.

Hangout - The Peach Pit/Peach Pit Afterdark or the Max. Are you fucking kidding? An old gritty Hollywood diner with Nat behind the counter to offer advice and a sweet-ass nightclub where you could do blow and watch people get a hammered, or a McDonald's with a creepy child molesting magician named Max. "Max, I think I am going to kill myself. What should I do?" Max would then make a bird fly out of his shirt and squirt water in Jessie's face. Dylan had the cooler hang out because he was the cooler dude. Edge: Dylan.

Cars - Dylan had a Porsche and Zack had, well, nothing. Them's the breaks when every scene in your show is shot indoors. Also, according to the opening theme song Zack took the bus to school. LAME!
Edge: Dylan by a longshot.

Home - Dylan lived by himself in highschool in a house in Beverly Hills. Zack apparently lived at Bayside High School or in Jessie Spanos' bedroom because those are the only two places I ever saw aside from the Max.
Edge: Dylan.

Girlfriends - Kelly, Brenda, the Noxeema girl, Valerie, and Gina to name a few. Zack had Kelly Kapowski who Dylan also dated when she moved to Beverly Hills and changed her name to Valerie Malone in order to avoid geeky-ass Zack. Zack never dated any other chicks on the show except for that lesbo chick that Leah Remini played for like half a season during their summer job at the beach club (another plot ripped straight from 90210).
Edge: Dylan.

Friends - For this argument I will just throw out some comparisons and you think to yourself who you would rather hang out with. Brandon Walsh or Screech? Steve Sanders or AC Slater? Valerie Malone or Kelly Kapowski (that's a tough one)? Kelly Taylor or Lisa Turtle? A Peach Pit Mega Burger or Jessie Spanos? The answers are pretty obvious.
Edge: Dylan.

Like I said earlier, there really is no debate. Dylan McKay reigns supreme when compared with Zack Morris. Besides, the end all argument is who would kick who's ass in a fight and we all know that Dylan did his own fighting while "Preppy" always had Slater there to save his ass.

Zack Morris - PWeekly

All those 90210 kids were just Bayside wannabes who had nothing better to do than take advantage of daddy’s credit card or *ahem* your mom. No Beverly Hills brat could ever out-do Zack Morris. Not now, not ever. Who else can lay claim to owning the first cell phone ever? Granted, it may have been the size of a small child, but hey…holding that thing just helped him build up those biceps! That must have been the reason why he dated the coveted Kelly Kapowski and was the envy of every crater-faced teenage boy on the planet. And did we all forget that Zack helped Mrs. Belding give birth in an elevator during an earthquake? Talk about being a medical genius. Like Dylan could ever pull that one off. Yeah. Right.

Now for all of you who weren’t with the “in” crowd in high school, Zack would have been your friend. This guy was best friends with Screech Powers for cryin out loud! How many of you can say that you could have kept your “cool” status if you were seen talking to the school reject who wore neon hammer pants and a fro?

If that’s not proof enough that he didn’t fall prey to the elitist high school culture, let’s get our homeless readers in on the debate. Do we all remember the Christmas episode where Zack tries to holler at the blonde girl only to find out that she and her dad are homeless? Would Dylan have left a wad of cash for Homeless Dad in the payphone AND invited the two over for dinner? I think not.

On to the good stuff: TIMEOUT! I don’t know many people who can completely freeze time with the utterance of those two syllables. Come to think of it, I don’t know ANYONE other than Zack Attack Morris. Speaaaaking of Zack Attack, what is cooler than having your own band? Ummmm nothing. That’s right…EAT THAT, Dylan! Oh, and who wants to hang out at a place called the Peach Pit? What? You hang out in a sweaty pit? Wow…great. It’s all about The Max! How awesome is a place where your waiter plays magic tricks, radiothons and fashion shows are held, and that you can rent out for that perfect date? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to go on a date in a Pit.

So if I haven’t convinced you by now that Zack Morris kicks Dylan McKay’s ass, then you must be a douche bag who hates babies, nerds, and homeless people. Good luck making friends.

Gooooo Bayside!

*Additional written contribution by V-Train Ramirez


rachel in the know said...

effing DYING! this is amazing.

Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT this is amazing.
Zack Morris for the win!

Matt said...

Rachel, Patrick and I wrote this a couple of years ago so technically I guess I have been writing for PWeekly for a while making me deserving of any and all accolades!

rachel in the know said...

HAHA for sure! it's great!!!

anonymice said...

Who the fuck is Dylan McKay?

Anonymous said...

PWeekly, I’m not saying that Luke is cooler than Zack. I’m just saying that I have a few problems with your Mckay vs. Morris entry.

Zack hooked up with Kelly (hot), Jessie (hot), Lisa (hot), Stacey from Malibu Sands (hot), the chick in the wheel chair (hot), Kelly’s little sister (hot), Tori (hot due to her leather jacket), Nikki (early years hot), Lindsey and Alex (college years hot).

Zack’s house was huge! He had a big bedroom, plus it had a slide down, full-sized cut out of Kelly Kapowski.

Zack had a 68 Mustang! He got it from working at his summer job at Malibu Sands, while it’s no Porsche, it’s still prett cool.

Fraaaank said...

What's an anonymice?

PWeekly said...

@Anonymous: I love that you referenced Dylan as Luke.

Vicki said...

"All those 90210 kids were just Bayside wannabes."

Hand over your Shannen Doherty posters this instant.

luke said...

wait. he wasn't talking about me?

anonymice said...

It's plural for anonymouse.

PWeekly said...

Touche @Vicki

rachel in the know said...

can i ask why you chose a picutre of dylan spread eagle?

Gin said...

TIMEOUT! I can not stop laughing at 'the Noxeema girl'. You're a genius. Go Bayside, indeed.

Kyle27 said...

Zack also was a calculating psychopath who'd occasionally get over himself. He had everyone under his rule while Dylan was a crybaby rich guy who occasionally got hooked on heroin or crack.

Didn't they have him score a 1520 on his SATs or something? And his timeout superpower beats anything that Dylan could do. Zack had Screech and Belding to help him cover up missing students like Tori or whichever girl he dated who was never seen again. Dude was a role model.