January 6, 2011

I See London

Underwear says a lot about a relationship. I'd say "panties," but that word is mad creepy. If you’re not familiar with lady undergarments, fret not. PWeekly is here to help. Since the age of 12 I have done extensive research in the field - First, via the amazing Sears catalogs that were magically delivered with the Sunday paper, later, as a baby-in-the-corner reader of stolen Playboy's, and lastly, as a grown ass man who serial dates as a way of forgoing actual commitment. See! I'm just like you, except I have no idea what I'm talking about.

G-String
Guess what champ? You've just bagged a stripper! I know this because I’ve only seen a g-string on a woman once, and that was the night I spent all my money. Usually, when you take a woman home and she’s wearing a g-string, she’ll say things like, “I don’t normally do this” or "this is so not me." This woman is a liar. Moreover, her pimp is standing less than 30 feet away in a shadow like a ninja.

Thong
Congrats! You have now entered the booty call zone! You have become the most frequently dialed number in her phone after 1AM. Thongs say, “Treat me like we’re in an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, but not like you're actually David Duchovny and have a sex addiction.” Thongs are crazy sexy, but sadly, are rarely seen as they are only slightly more comfortable than the previously mentioned vagina-floss, er panties.

Bikini
At this stage in the game, you've met her parents, if not one of her kids. If you’re not the relationship type, a bikini is your cue to bolt! If you are the relationship type, just know that you're probably tagged in all of her Facebook photos that are captioned with smiley face emoticons and shitty Taylor Swift lyrics.

Control Briefs
This is some Colonial Williamsburg shit right here. Panties from ye olde times. At this point, you had at least better be on her insurance, because the only thing physical you're getting out of your relationship is an annual check-up at your physician's office. Of course this assumes you don't have a fetish for Betty White or an highly developed Oedipus complex, in which case get in where you fit in hommie!

Next up: Boxers or briefs? What a man's underwear implies - skid mark free edition.

9 comments:

Jamie said...

WOW! I was trying to be offended but this shit is pretty spot on.

PWeekly said...

Wait, trying to be offended?
New year new you Jamie!

Anonymous said...

I put this on my fridge.

Anonymous said...

Control briefs are mad comfy yo.

Bob-O said...

Keen insight. Or should I say, peen insight?!

PWeekly said...

I like it Anon!
We should collaborate

Mallory said...

What about commando?

PWeekly said...

Ahh yes, lovely commando style.
Commando implies - no boundries. Literally. It's like when Angelina Jolie wore a vial of Bill Bob's blood around her neck and then made out with her brother.

So yea. Commando = Incest.

anonymice said...

P you forgot boy shorts... which is what I am usually wearing.

Not to be confused with boy sharts.