I am terrible at gift giving. Always have been. One time I bought an alarm clock for a girl I was seeing. I thought, “We’ve only been dating a month… She’s expressed to me that she has a hard time waking up for work in the morning… This is something useful that demonstrates my listening abilities.” She thought: “This alarm clock was either a re-gift that he got from his weird cousin for Christmas, or it was right by the register at Walgreens, where he stopped to buy condoms on his way over to my place.”
Accordingly, this year I am stepping up my gift-giving game with the following items:
Produce is the new new. I know this because all of my married friends tell me so via their judgy cucumber salads. This past summer, in an effort to step up my game, I attempted to spring my own home garden to life in the form of tomatoes, cilantro, and red bell peppers. This attempt was a dismal failure because 1) my patio is the size of Webster 2) on numerous drunken occasions I “watered” my potted bounty with mango flavored Smirnoff Ice and 3) I’m fairly certain my dog Guinness took multiple twosies in the cilantro bundles.
To hell with this I thought - all this hard work for a couple of cherry tomatoes? Who the hell wants cherry tomatoes? I mean, maybe if I’m at the Round Table salad bar and due to some freak turn of events they are out of bacon bits, but even then, cherry tomatoes? Hella tomato cutting for such a small bite and I don’t even own a knife.
Alas, fret not fellow produce saboteur. Multiple online sites make having a constant supply of fresh produce a cinch. They deliver right to your door, offer multiple pricing packages, and are “certified organic” so you can feel better about blasting your heater at 78 degrees knowing your produce is green.
I’d recommend this gift for anyone that likes to cook, for anyone that likes to eat, and for anyone (like me) whose pantry is stocked with Kraft Mac and Cheese and Spaghetti-O’s. I’d also recommend that when ordering you request more than one cucumber. No decent human being has ever purchased just one cucumber. What on Earth could possibly motivate you to buy nothing but a single cucumber if not a desire to make a salad in your poop chute? This is legitimately one of the few things you seriously should be embarrassed to buy. If you must buy just one cucumber, the best way to pull this off is by being female, because at least then it’s perversely hot.
After passing through aisle after aisle of disturbingly lifelike figurines, strongly scented candles that border on chemical warfare agents, and Claim Jumper gift cards, I decided Bel Air is not the ideal gift buying hot spot. As such, those in my life not receiving produce are getting hooked up with the gift that keeps on giving: Bling!
What better way to say “I’m recession proof” then by sporting some oh-you-fancy-huh jewelry? Save the “every kiss begins with Kay” BS. This year I’m headed to the newly revamped Target on Broadway, where, assuming I don’t get lost in the shitty new floor layout, I can satisfy the needs of all the Sarah Jessica Parker’s* and Mr. T’s in my life for a reasonable price. As an added bonus, jewelry shopping at Target indirectly means sticking it to Tom Shane and his fucking annoying radio ads.
*Just kidding. I’d never hang out with Sarah Jessica Parker.
**Just kidding. Yes I would.