December 30, 2010

robo's ramblings: Some New Year’s Resolutions Everyone Should Try

A long, long time ago, in a land far, far away known as MySpace, I used to write blogs and post them to my page every so often. I wrote about Barry Bonds NOT being on steroids and whether or not Steve Sanders should have been convicted of rape. One of my favorites was a blog detailing my New Year’s resolutions for the coming year. I remember writing things like: play more Playstation 3, pet my dog every day, and start flossing. Reading those examples from an earlier time, you might think I resolved to do them when I was 12 or perhaps in my college years. You would be mistaken. I wrote those resolutions when I when I was 28 and gainfully employed.

In the past three years, I feel like I have grown up quite a bit. I got married, I started wearing v-neck sweater vests, and I stay home most Friday nights and build wooden ships in bottles while watching Modern Marvels: Rice on the History Channel. They say that with age comes wisdom. Which is why, at the distinguished age of 32, I have decided to revisit my New Year’s resolutions as a wiser individual. If you are one of those people who has trouble coming up with resolutions, feel free to take these and make them your own. I won’t be offended as there are no PWeekly Awards at stake.

1 – Stop Voting. Barack Obama has ruined me. He let me down. He broke every promise he made to me. He slept with my best friend. Think about this: year after year us liberals (or progressives) vote for people we think are actually going to do something about the GOP and its platform of total horseshit, only to find out that once elected, they immediately bend us over and start fucking us in the ass (in the prison sense, not the romantic). I am fed up and the recent tax deal was the shit that clogged the toilet for me. I am done. No more voting unless Bernie Sanders moves to California or it’s on propositions and measure that directly impact me.

2 – Stay of the Cigs. At the beginning of October, I pretty much quit smoking. I say “pretty much” because I have had a few relapses between now and then (Halloween, a wedding, a holiday party, Christmas, and I am predicting New Year’s Eve). Let me tell you, I really don’t get what all the fuss is about. Quitting smoking is not hard. All you need is the slightest bit of will power, some activities to occupy your time, a standoffish attitude, and you’re all set. The people I know that fail (including myself in the past) do so because they’re fucking retarded. If you are trying to quit smoking and you still go out to bars every night it is not going to work. If you are trying to quit smoking by substituting chew or fake cigs, it is not going to work. If you are trying to quit smoking and you still hang around your friends who smoke, it is not going to work. That should explain why I haven’t seen most of my friends for the last few months. It’s not that I don’t like you it’s just that I got tired of hocking up brown shit and not being able to walk up the stairs without being short of breath. You wouldn’t expect someone trying to kick heroin to hang around with Amy Winehouse, would you? In the future, do me a favor and save me the “you’re so lame” comment when I don’t RSVP “yes” to your 32nd birthday party.

3 – Start a Facebook Movement. It seems like every other day someone is posting something like, “A kid lost his balloon today after he let it go and it floated away and then his mom bought him another one and it too floated away because he let it go. Repost this to your page and his mom will buy him another balloon.”

These things drive me fucking nuts. Therefore, I have decided to start my own movement and I think we can all get behind it. If your “friend” posts something on his or her wall directed at their significant other that can be said in a text or in person then delete them as a friend. Nothing makes me want to kick someone in their head faster than when I see “I love you sweetie! You’re the best husband ever!” posted on Facebook. From now on, I am cancelling our friendship. I don’t care if you’re family. I get it, you love your husband. That’s probably why you married him. So please, when you see it, click the “like” button on my “Stop Annoying Couples from Posting Dumb Shit to One Another” page. If you can’t join that one, then consider my other page “Delete Mothers Who Post Pictures of Their Kids and Then Comment That They Have the Cutest Kid Ever.”

4 – Become a Microbrew Aficionado. With this one, I feel like my life has come full circle. In college, my roommate and I would always try and one-up each other by finding obscure beers. Back then, Sierra Nevada’s Big Foot was the Holy Grail of brews (this was before every fucking hippie in America was making their own IPA). Lately, I have been falling back into it. I enjoy buying random microbrews and sharing them with friends and pairing them with dinners (just failed the gay test). A friend of mine started his own brewing company and in a round-about way, re-piqued my interest. Don’t get me wrong, I still love an ice cold Bud Light, just not as much as I used to.

5 – Get Skinny. There she is…the cliché resolution. The same one everyone has every year. I have decided that losing weight is not hard. I feel no pity for most fat people (if you eat because you were raped in a McDonald’s parking lot then so be it). But for most people, there is a reason why you’re over weight and it probably rhymes with Bocha Saramel Crappachino and Gonut and not Breen Sea and Pranola. I have been spending a lot of time at the gym lately getting my ass kicked by personal trainers and I have to say, I fucking love it! My pants are starting to fit like a rapper’s and I can run without throwing up. My goal is to stick with and be ready for bikini season.

6 – Attend a Gay Couples Wedding. I am making a couple of assumptions here with this resolution. One is that gays won’t have to have “drive-thru” Vegas-style weddings at SF City Hall because gay marriage will be legal for more than 15 minutes in the coming year. The other is that a gay friend would invite yours truly to their wedding. Based on a recent Gallup poll, the legalization of gay marriage is likely to happen before I get invited to a gay wedding. If you’re reading this and you want to take a chance on inviting me to your wedding please message me. In the spirit of full disclosure, I once had an hour conversation on whether or not gay men’s voices suddenly change to that stereotypical gay voice the second they come out of the closet, or if they really start talking that way when they’re five and their first words are “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my poker face!”

7- Host a Holiday. This is bat-shit crazy I know, but I really want to have my entire family over for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I watch ‘Christmas Vacation’ every year and still, I am not deterred and believe me, I have a couple of fucking uncles that are exactly like Randy Quaid’s character. All I need to do is get a bigger house and some new furniture and I’m all set. Pray for me.

8 – Leave PWeekly. Seriously, I am too good for this shit. Do you know how easy it is to write a blog about your whoreish behavior while drunk on wine or your random thoughts on cats and hot sauce? It’s pretty easy. On the other hand, do you know how difficult it is to put together a well-planned, well-written, streamlined piece of writing that actually has a point and makes people laugh? It’s pretty damn difficult. It takes me weeks to write one post for this site and I get paid in the chance that I might win a bottle of Red Stripe that I can’t even drink because it’s painted gold! Horseshit I tell you! Anybody out there looking for a writer hit me up. And yes, I am talking to you Twin Soup (aka: best blog of 2010).

Be it resolved that I shall try my damndest to accomplish my goals for the 2011 season. Resolutions are not easy things to stick to and by March, most of us have let them go the way of Lindsey Lohan’s career (we give up on them, start drinking and doing drugs, and consider getting naked for money). I wish all of you the best for the New Year and hope that you continue to entertain me. As for leaving the PWeekly after only three postings and one Lady Gaga reference, I am kidding. One of my great pleasures in life is being able to write the words “fucking retarded” in a sentence and not have them removed because “fucking” is not politically correct.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! I'm adopting 4 of these resolutions.

luke said...

i'm adopting a gay kid

Rachel said...

it took you weeks to write this?

i still vote for whoreish behavior while drunk on wine. takes a lot less time.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it took you weeks to write this? Robo's well thought out streamline of calculated thoughts?

Kathy said...

I loved this!

Matt said...

Yes, I start putting my thoughts together a couple of weeks before I give it to Patrick. I write a paragraph or two and then come back and continue a few days later. Then, I go back and tweak every thought until it's just right. Not so hard to see why it takes a couple weeks to put something together, is it?

Anonymous said...

Good shit.

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