December 2, 2010

robo's ramblings: protect your kids this holiday season

The other day I was reading the Sacramento Police Department’s Crime Log page on the Sacramento Bee’s website and an alarming story caught my attention. Apparently, for the last several weeks, a mysterious individual has demonstrated inappropriate behavior in front of school children and tried to get them to smoke methamphetamine. I was shocked when I read the story and I started thinking about what type of person, or better yet what type of thing, would display such criminal behavior. I kept dwelling on it, going over the details of the story in my head again and again…

This “thing” shows up in the mornings when it’s cold. Witnesses have said he’s an overweight man dressed in a white coat and hat, with a scarf covering his face. Children interviewed for the story said that the man had dark eyes, almost black, and that he carried a cane or a stick with him. In addition to making lewd and obscene comments towards children and offering them drugs smoked out of a pipe, the man demanded the kids touch him in inappropriate places. The children also said that he threatened to return if they didn’t do what they were told. The police spotted him and attempted to chase him down, but he managed to escape, disappearing into thin air. Incidents have been reported mainly at schools and parks in the Lake Tahoe area.

Then, while listening to my sisters’ It’s A Glee Christmas CD, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I figured out who this monster, this scumbag who’d been giving these poor kids nightmares during the Holidays was – Frosty the fucking Snowman!

That’s right. Frosty! He has to be behind these incidents. Seeing as how I have seen ‘Primal Fear’ at least six times, I know what it takes to solve a case involving pedophiles. In order to prove Frosty’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, I examined the song that sums up his sick, twisted, drug-fueled existence and included my notes.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul (notice they say “was”), with a corncob pipe (likely used for smoking meth and/or crack cocaine) and a button nose (a common characteristic of drug users and pedophiles), and two eyes made out of coal (eyes just like the kids described).

Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say (so is the Zodiac Killer), he was made of snow (likely a reference to crystal meth, cocaine, or his white coat) but the children know how he came to life one day (drug addicts often describe getting high as “coming to life”).

There must have been some magic (“magic” is slang for crystal meth) in that old silk hat they found (the man in question wore a top-hat). For when they placed it on his head (forced kids to touch and dress him) he began to dance around (think Downtown James Brown here).

O, Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be (he must have been starting to have withdrawals), and the children say he could laugh and play just the same as you and me (he plays with children).

Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, look at Frosty go (the thumping must be him pounding his fist on a picnic table after he takes a huge hit of drugs). Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, over the hills of snow (snow must reference cocaine and not crystal meth as previously suggested).

Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day (sweating is a sign of withdrawal), so he said, "Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away (the homeless refer to “melting” as coming down from a high).”

Down to the village, with a broomstick in his hand (this must be the cane the kids reported seeing). Running here and there, all around the square saying catch me if you can (crack heads often display erratic behavior such as running in circles or a zigzag pattern).

He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop. And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler "Stop!" For Frosty the snow man had to hurry on his way (the suspect managed to escape from the police), but he waved goodbye saying, "Don't you cry, I'll be back again someday (the suspect threatened to come back if the kids didn’t comply with his touching and dressing demands)."

Think about it. Frosty’s MO completely fits the crimes. He’s been doing the same thing for decades, but he is extremely elusive and children were too scared to talk for fear of retaliation. If you live in the Lake Tahoe area, please pay close attention to who your children are interacting with. And if you see a dear with a red nose, he also likes to play with “snow.”

(Author’s Note: After writing this story, or whatever you want to call it, I now know what it takes to do Glenn Beck’s job and if I had his influence, the entire Midwest would be littered with destroyed snowmen.)


Suzy said...

Nobody as pale as Frosty should ever be trusted.

Anonymous said...

This is hella creative.

Anonymous said...

I can't get this song out of my head!

Sally said...

Every concerned parent should read this. Thank you for your outstanding community service Robo.

Carol said...

What's creepy is reading this and realizing the song is playing on the radio in my office at an elementary school!

Anonymous said...


Thank you for the earth shattering insight about this disgusting snowman. We all thought Puff the Magic Dragon was the bad guy.