December 1, 2010

full exposure

For reasons unknown, at some point during a romantic relationship, someone says “You know what sounds fun? Taking naked pictures of each other.” For women, this makes no sense to have a naked picture of your boyfriend or husband. I've said for years that my junk looks like something that pops out from behind a trash can in a Muppets film, and starts singing a song about a sunny day or something. I can't look that far off from other dudes.

The male body is not attractive. And more importantly, what ladies don’t know about us men is that 99.9 percent of the time, we don’t take naked pictures of you so that we can look at them later when we handle our biz. We take naked pictures of you so that we can tell our buddies, “I took nudie pics of my girlfriend.” It’s like having an associate's degree: everybody just wants to say they have one, but rarely does anyone use it for anything.

Sadly, what most people don’t understand is, when you let someone take a naked picture of you, you’re basically saying to that person “I believe that we will never break up for the rest of eternity.” Yes, that’s right, that’s exactly what you’re saying, because if that was not what you were saying, you definitely wouldn’t let someone own a picture of you bent over a La-Z-Boy, with your vajayjay winking to the camera, or a shot of you holding your penis as if you were He Man screaming "I have the power!"

Alas, when people “split up,” they're usually not on the best terms with one another. And when someone is angry with you, there mind immediately goes to “how can I piss off this person? Oh wait, I have a picture of them with a feather duster poking out of their hooha .”

Therefore, dear readers, there are absolutely zero pros to letting someone photo your naughty bits, and about a million cons. Still, every day, across the nation, the sound of “click” is heard, followed by “Okay, now bend over and pretend like you’re barebacking that armoire.”

I understand the kinky turn on nude photos can provide. Just realize that agreeing to a full frontal photo shoot means that in a year's time some asshole is going to post your asshole on his shitty website.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

"feather duster poking out of their hooha" - I am FUCKING WEAK!

Stephanie said...

I'm been asked twice and never agreed! Whew!

Beth said...

I once posted nude pics of an ex on Hot or Not after he called my mother a whore.

PWeekly said...

HE left out the "I don't know the rest, but..."

Rachel said...

you said "armoire".

dry hump!

Anonymous said...

The sad sad truth, is that when an image is out there, you are never getting it back.

If any of you ladies are so lucky to end up on a porn site because of any sort of bullshit as described by Pdiddy.

No matter how much you beg the owner of the site, and even pay him/her to take it down, they have already farmed your images out to other resources. Someone, somewhere is rubbing their dick to you...

Amy said...

Some pervy dude asked me once to take pics at his "studio" - I obliged, only because he also told me he'd have bacon.

anonymice said...

ugh. WHERE did you get that picture of me?

Pee Wee Herman said...

One time I let a guy take nude pictures of me while I urinated on his cat. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Ever since the pics hit the web, everyone at work asks me to watch their pets when they go out of town. So it worked out. Thanks for listening.