November 17, 2010

lol: luke on life

Put the lotion in the basket.

Welcome to lol's first PSA. So this past Friday someone very important to the folks over here at PWeekly was walking home from the Golden Bear with a friend around closing time. Around 22nd and K, both females were approached from the front by two males in hoodies. Both males pushed both females to the ground and took their purses. One of the perps apparently had a gun. No one was hurt beyond cuts and bruises and the loss of somewhere around four dollars. Cool robbery assholes. Anyway, I gather there are a few lessons here:

• Guys are assholes

• If a guy has a gun give him your shit. Don't make him rip the purse in half trying to get it outta your hands and then kick him (actually happened). It isn't worth the three or four bucks. It isn't worth anything material you've got. Unless its Marcelus Wallaces'...

• If you're a fan of walking around listening to an iPod; stop. Or at least only put one earphone in. Try not to get crept on.

• Keep your head on a swivel while walking at night. You don't gotta be a paranoid schizophrenic about it but every couple a blocks take a peak behind you to make sure you ain't getting crept on.

• Carry pepper spray. In your hand. Not in your purse stupid.

• I used to think rape whistles were futile and selfish. Am I supposed to expect the girl I'm raping to know what tune I'd like her to whistle while I'm in the act? That's a little much to ask. I've now changed my mind. This happened in a public area. Make some noise.

• Keep a couple body lengths between you and large bushes while walking.

• Take corners wide.

• If someone demands your shit, throw it away from you and step back. Hopefully they just want your shit and not you.

• Use the buddy system. Obviously it doesn't always work but trust me, it's safer and smarter.

• Let people know when you're leaving the bar and when you get home.

• Try to not get caught slippin'.

Based on paintings of Jesus and the part of the world he is from, I'm guessing he'd have a hell of a time getting through customs at most airports.

Dear Justin B.,
Thanks for stealing my thunder.

Sincerely,

Jesse M.

I'm a little late on the whole fiasco in Chile but seriously, whats so wrong with being trapped in a confined space with 31 male minors for an extended period? Giggity.

Also, this is important - Don't do that, "see, this is why I don't go downtown" thing. Some people are assholes and do bad things. This area is not unsafe and you can't let shit like this make you live in fear. Keep your wits about you and have a good time down here.

I leave you with a little advice my mom gave me when I turned 15: "Don't fall in love with the first pussy you stick your dick into." Thanks Mother!

5 comments:

PWeekly said...

RIP iPod.

Anonymous said...

Your mom is my hero.

Anonymous said...

not the best color dress on you

Anonymous said...

I heart Jesse M!

anonymice said...

Stuff doesn't just happen in Midtown. My friend got jumped in the IKEA parking lot for 27 bucks. Dude's in jail for 20 years now though, so I guess he lost.