October 29, 2010

robo's ramblings: a guide to the 2010 mid-term election

For those of you out there still on the fence about who or what you’re going to be voting for Tuesday, I have put together this handy election guide. Since I am prohibited by law from standing outside a polling place and yelling, “Fuck Meg Whitman,” I figured this is the next best thing. If all goes according to plan, my suggestions will inspire you to vote just like I did, thus creating a California that makes me happy. On the other hand, most of you that know me will probably read these suggestions, and then vote the complete opposite. Perhaps the thought of yours truly smiling come 8 p.m. election night makes you want to shove a letter opener in your neck.

Below, I have selected some of the more contested races and added my suggestions for you, the voter.

Governor: Jerry Brown
Do we really want another Arnold and do we really want to look at Meg’s wrinkled-ass Kimora Lee Simmons’ neck everyday in the news? Jerry will be better for the State (notice I didn’t say great or even good for the state). Rich Republicans who only care about other rich Republicans is not the answer. Cutting taxes for corporations, deporting farm workers, reducing education funding, having an across the board no new-tax policy, and moonlighting as one of the Hanson brothers’ uncles is not going to solve anything. Ask yourself this, why would someone who has all the money in the world and has never cared about politics want to be Governor of California? My guess is it’s to help themselves.

Lt. Governor: Glenn Quagmire
I wrote in Glenn Quagmire because that’s how stupid this position is. The Governor leaves the state, you’re Governor! The other 333 days, you and your staff are a waste of tax-payer dollars. If you must cast a vote here I would suggest Newsom. He’s handsome and let the gays marry so it’s a win-win.

Attorney General: Kamala Harris
She’s the SF DA. I was once on a conference call with her. She knows Obama. She’s from Oakland. Her dad’s Jamaican. My friend Brian is working on her campaign. She’s a woman. Whatever.

Insurance Commissioner: Dave Jones
This guy’s from Sacramento and went to Harvard which brings the” total number of people you can say that about” to seven. Also, when I was in college, he and I got into a heated debate over urban development, only to come to an agreement that all future developments should be on a grid system like Midtown. What happened in North Natomas, Dave?

US Senator: Duane Roberts
What can I say; I like the Green Party here. Fiorina is in the same boat as Whitman and she’s used her enormous wealth to buy Rod Stewart’s hair and Kurt Warner’s face. Boxer and Feinstein continue to fail us as a state because they’ve both been going through menopause for the last decade. We need some testosterone in the Senate representing California or no one is ever going to take us seriously when it comes to decisions on war or sleeping with an intern.

Third Justice Court of Appeal: Harry Hull
You read that correctly, that is the dude’s name. It is a name that Bart Simpson may or may not have used to call Moe’s tavern. He is also a kid I grew up withs' dad. Hi Andy Hull!

Sheriff: Scott Jones
This race is a big deal in Sacramento as there hasn’t been a new Sheriff in town (nice pun) in 12-years. The guys running for this position have spent millions of dollars to eventually be terrible at their job. The Sheriff’s Department rarely does anything right and is kind of like the private security guards of local law enforcement. Jim Cooper has been the face of the department for years and frankly, I am sick of his face and his lies. (On a side note, I also grew up with a kid named Scott Jones.)

Proposition 19: Yes
This would legalize weed in California. I don’t use the stuff, but I think it would be great if it got a lot easier for all my friends who smoke weed to be lazy, laugh at inappropriate times, and dream that one day the world will be just like the game “Halo.” Have fun in federal court, dear friends, where the motto is “We Don’t Fuck Around” (See: Tommy Chong). I should point out that should this pass, I will immediately begin buying up massive amounts of stock in Del Taco and the corporation that makes Snuggies.

Proposition 21: No
This would require everyone to pay an $18 surcharge on your car registration to fund state parks. In exchange, you get to park for free during the day at the park off of Howe Avenue or at Lake Natoma. It does not include overnight camping or boat launching. My thoughts are that this surcharge should be voluntary and a lot less. Other states do it and it is like $5. My car registration was $472 this year. I do not need more shit tacked on to that figure and I don’t hang out at state parks…only rest areas. Giggity!

Proposition 23: No
This would suspend California’s “landmark” greenhouse gas emissions law until the unemployment rate drops below 5.5 percent for an entire year. If you vote yes on this and I hear about it, I will come over to your house and punch you in the dick (or tit if you’re a woman). This is funded by gas and oil companies which, in the last decade, have started a gazillion-dollar war in Iraq, raised gas prices to $5/gallon during a recession, and killed pretty much all wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico. Do you really trust these guys with anything? It’s time to develop our alternative energy sources. Personally, I think millions of cars emitting the smell of French fries as they pass by is the beginning of a Utopian society.

Proposition 25: Yes
This would eliminate the two-thirds vote requirement to pass a state budget. However, the Legislature may not raise taxes without a super majority vote (2/3). Personally, I am tired of waiting until September or October to get a state budget. The Democrats control the Legislature. Let them pass a budget. If it’s terrible, then the Democrats won’t control the Legislature anymore. It’s simple really.

Measure B: Yes
This would lower your water, sewer, and garbage rates. Hmmmm…more money in my pocket or more money in the City of Sacramento’s pocket? I am voting for my pocket. As homeowners, we now pay close to $160/month for these utilities. For comparisons sake, we paid $100/month when we moved in three years ago. The cost keeps rising and the services keep being cut. Fees, such as these, are supposed to go directly to the service for which they are charged. Therefore, if my fees keep increasing, shouldn’t my fucking leaves get picked up every week!? When the City’s sewer main in my backyard backs up, why do I have to call Bonney Plumbing (great guys by the way)!? The trash man put a giant hole in my can with his fucking grabber thing and now it leaks. If I want a new one, I have to pay for it!? Last fall, the City literally told me to “fuck off” when I called about a leaf pick-up. Just kidding, the lady was British so she said “piss off.” Fuck the City, I want my money back.

Measure C: Yes
This would tax marijuana businesses generating revenue for the City of Sacramento. These business owners are selling an illegal drug (under federal law) to anyone with $100 and a headache. I say tax the fuck out of them. If weed becomes legal under state law, that is a shit-load of potential revenue. I think it would be amusing to know that my kids are attending an elementary school funded partially by weed dollars. I would love to see a “My Kid is Honor Student of the Month at Willie Nelson Elementary” bumper sticker some day.

Well, there you have it. Everything you need to make the tough decisions come Tuesday. Regardless of whether or not you agree with me and my opinions, I ask two simple things: 1) do your own research and don’t believe the ads you see on TV; and 2) please don’t wear a cup when I come by your house to punch you in the dick.


rachel in the know said...

love, love, love it! sure, i'm GOP and totally disagree with the majority of your picks, BUT hella funny.

Katie said...

This is really funny - and spot on.
Newsom = SWOON!

Anonymous said...

A nice addition. And I usually hate politics.

luke said...

this is the best. i quit.

maia the bee said...

nice robo!

Kristy said...

I used this as my voting template.
But I went with Boxer.