October 27, 2010

eat fresh

I eat Subway more than I should. I do so because it's often a pain in the ass to agree upon a place for a quick bite come lunch time. And also because I'm a firm believer in cheap mediocrity.

I am there so often I know exactly what to expect from my sando; turkey with huge mole-like brown spots, tomatoes that look like pineapple rings, and bread that smells like a moist towel sitting too long in the washing machine. I’m cool with that.

What's not cool is the fact that Subway labels their hourly, minimum wage employees “Sandwich Artists.” That's right, Subway actually calls their employees “Sandwich Artists.” Subway knows damn well that calling its employees “Sandwich Artists” really just insults its customer’s intelligence and takes away whatever dignity its hourly employees have left.

At Subway you pay for what you get. I understand this. 4 dollars for a sub equals a 4 dollar quality sub. What I also know that if these sandwich artists were actually “artists” they would know that sandwiches should not be made like a hot dog, with the meat and fixings directly straddling the bread so when you fold it in half the insides don’t lay flat. My life would be so much easier if I had a large penis, but also if these “sandwich artists” could just slice the bread all the way in half, pile everything on the lower half and then just cover the sandwich with the other slice of bread so I don’t have to eat it like a giant hot dog when all of the insides push out upon first bite.

Real culinary specialists come from fancy places like Europe or New York or Le Cordon Bleu, not Galt, California. Society let Rachael Ray slide with not being an actual Chef because she did that slutty spread for Maxim magazine, but Subway is pushing it way too far with this glamorous title they're giving employees. Chill the fuck out Subway. Be comfortable with the fact that you are not classy, and never will be. You're basically the chick that shops at Target but pretends she shops at Prada. I see you.

Effective immediately I am putting Subway on notice. Please take down the glamor shots of aged cheeses and organic basil from your walls and replace them with pictures of NASCAR, Shaq and mullets. I think people would respect your company a lot more if you just admitted that you’re a shitty fast food joint. Besides, if you embrace your mediocrity you will never have to feel the pain of failure - Just look at Togo's.

14 comments:

Jason said...

God I loathe Subway! I'm hella glad somebody put them on blizzast.

Anonymous said...

YES! This is hilarious.

Jennifer said...

Sort of, kind of love Subway.

PWeekly said...

@Jason: I'm impressed with your use of "loathe" and "blizzast" in the same sentence. Though I'm not sure it doesn't make you clinically insane.

Jason said...

Insane in the membrane!

Anonymous said...

Ever try the roast beef at Subway? Don't.

Jim said...

Remember the time Dorsey got hella sick from Subway? Classic!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

Brent said...

Is Maxim magazine still around?

PWeekly said...

Yes. More importantly, is the name Brent still around?

Anonymous said...

Mmm crab salad ...always a good choice

Anonymous said...

I got crabs from eating the crab salad.

Valerie said...

Lets be real. If you graduated from Galt High AND got a job after, you're special. Therefore, they've earned the title of "specialist", whatever type of specialist it may be.

highly offensive article!!!!

Katy said...

Galt grads might find your comment offensive too Valerie.