September 17, 2010

we make great pets

People love pets. Pets fill huge, empty voids in our souls that were dug out by years of parental neglect, han solo dinner outings and horrid chest acne. Pets don't judge - pets love... In between dropping chocolate kisses all over the furniture. The responsibility of owning a pet is, often, the only thing keeping me from living a permanent life on other peoples' couches. Somebody has to feed my dog, so it might as well be me.

All that aside, with the vast selection of pets available at the nearby animal mill, farm or the neighborhood hoarder's house, it can be hard to decide with non-human companion is right for you. Especially since the animal you select to save you from the sloppy mess of isolation your life has become says a lot about your true self in frightening, unscientific ways.

Everyone loves doggies, save for the hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from cynophobia, the third most common animal phobia in the world. This phobia is compounded by the 78 million* dogs that currently live in the US right this very minute. So yeah, those people aside, everyone loves dogs. Dogs are loyal and dependable. They great you in the morning, guard you at night, and basically provide you with everything a significant other could. But often, dog owners struggle to infer exactly what their four-legged friends are thinking. As such, I asked my co-worker and chart guru David to illustrate a canine's thought process:

So what does owning a dog say about you? If David's chart proves anything, it's that being a dog owner means you enjoy smelling ass.

There is something like 100 million cats in the US*, so arguably, if you're a cat owner you are also trying to blend in. Therefore, owning a feline automatically makes you a criminal. The irony here, of course, is that cats inexplicably make you stand out as more and more insane with each additional one you possess. The crazy cat lady wasn’t invented out of nowhere people, rather she is a carefully honed icon of bat shit insanity that stands as a warning to us all: Cats are the marijuana of gateway drugs. Soon you think Mr. Bo Jangles needs a friend and suddenly cats are your crack and you have 17 of them shitting and scratching about your house.

Tell tale signs of cat crack addiction are clawed T-Shirts, donning holiday-themed socks, and/or living in Placerville. Essentially, cat owners are crack heads who may or may no be bi-polar.

Spiders owners, not unlike lizard owners, like to feel eclectic by having esoteric pets. They typically are reformed Hot Topic shoppers who at some point painted hideous designs on their lowered Toyota Tundra's. The problem here is that spiders are simply awful.

If a spider could talk, it would have a refined English accent and it would explain to you using the most brutal logic why your life is worth nothing and how it would liquefy your insides if given the opportunity. There wouldn’t be a trace of malice in its voice as it told you this. In fact, while sipping Cognac and lamenting your existence, it might concede that it would miss your afternoon games of chess but that, in the grand scheme of things, the world is better off with you not in it.

If you enjoy spiders as pets there’s a good chance you’ve imagined your spider as a refined yet vengeful Englishman. There's an even better chance PWeekly will never hang out with you.

* As always, I've made these facts up.


Ben said...

Fucking WEAK!LOL

PWeekly said...

Thanks Ben. It should be noted I own both a dog and a cat.

So, there's that.

Anonymous said...

What about rabbits?

Anonymous said...

If it means we can hang out I'll ditch my spider.

Rick said...

That flowchart is awesome.

Kenny said...

That spider shit was hilarious

Anonymous said...


Jennifer said...

I hate spiders and everything they stand for!

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PWeekly said...

Um, what?

Balls said...

the flow chart is gay - the cat section is on point and has been forwarded to the ladies i work with "as a joke" (they all have cat paraphernalia at there desks...)

PWeekly said...

Thanks Balls!
Let me know how the co-workers take to the cat assessment. I'll let my co-worker know you hated the chart.

PWeekly said...

Also - per your review I'll omit Powell's Auto Repair from my list of suitable vendors.