September 21, 2010

beardy jenner

Facial hair (or lack thereof) says a lot about a person, but sometimes there's a difference between what you think you're saying with it, and what you're actually conveying to people. I've experimented with facial hair throughout my post-pubescent life, and trust me when I say few things are more frustrating then having your facial hair convey a mixed message. I grew my sideburns long and wide in a Jason Priestly tribute circa '97, so you can imagine my horror when a classmate called me Luke Perry.

Don't make the same mistake(s) I did.

Full Beard
What You Hope It Says About You: I have written, or am currently writing my third screenplay. I think deeply about dolphin poachers, sip coffee from ridiculously tiny espresso cups and sometimes I'll just sit and read. I like reading. It's something I do. Is your hipster vagene hot yet? Plus, despite what my swept emo bangs may suggest, I'm actually totally comfortable with my masculinity and even own a tool box.

What It Actually Says About You: In conversation, you are 100% likely to utter the phrase, "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded." You pretend to like Woody Allen films, have a never-used sifter glass prominently displayed on your bar cart, and secretly pine for a Keanu Reeves career resurgence.

Most Commonly Seen On: the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters, PWeekly

Goatee
What You Hope It Says About You: I'm a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll. I'm all about taking care of business, but I also party hard. Whatever you want, I'm up for it - I'm down to eat out anywhere... That's named Applebee's.

What It Actually Says About You: I'm going to make a joke about shitting in your house, then actually take a humongous dump in your toilet. I can tell you who won the last NASCAR event and most likely I'll leave my socks on during intercourse. Also, I want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it with hair. And those sex socks.. Well they only come up to my ankles.

Most Commonly Seen On: Youth Group Ministers, Office Interns, Formerly Credible Movie Stars Now Appearing on CBS Procedurals (see Dennis Hopper).

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

To quote you - "BAM!"
Thanks for the midday chuckle. I needed it.

PWeekly said...

No problem Anonymous.
For an even bigger chuckle you should order my 2010 shirtless calendar.

Katy said...

hahaha. What about a creepy porn stache?

Anonymous said...

LOL! I'm showing this to my boyfriend.

Steve said...

Congrats on the SNR win! This is my first visit. Very funny.

Britney said...

This is hella funny... And true!

Anonymous said...

haha - In your face Dennis Hopper!

Kristen said...

Hella true on both counts.