August 24, 2010

banana daiquiri

For roughly 6 years now I've been consuming massive amounts of vodka sodas. It's my go to drink - Light, refreshing and low cal. Before that I was a rum and coke guy. Before that, well, it gets convoluted. I started - as most of us did - on bullshit drinks I thought "tasted good" because they were bogged down with sugar and rape drugs. Pineapple Malibu's... Smirnoff Ices... You know the exactly type of carb-loaded gut bombs I'm talking about: Girly drinks.

In the interest of being fair, I'll admit it - Sometimes a chocolate martini sounds fucking fantastic. Because of this I've developed scientifically proven* techniques all men should follow when ordering the dreaded fruity cocktail:

1 - Pretend it's for a lady.
While ordering the drink from the bartender, say something like, "Appletini's... her favorite," as you shrug in disappointment. Sometimes, to make myself seem even more manly I'll add something like, “Dames, am I right?”

Ordering a girly drink this way actually creates numerous opportunities for you to hit on women. Since the attractive lady next to you will clearly have already realized you're incredibly handsome, she'll use this opportunity to insert herself into a dialogue mocking your order. This gives you the opportunity to tell her it's for your "lady" instantly making her feel bad. Chicks love that.

But alas, since you are interested in drinking that banana daiquiri yourself, I recommend wandering off for a bit, sucking it back in a dimly lit ally and then returning to your new lady friend at the bar talking about how your old flame ditched you for some muscle guy working out in an Ed Hardy T-shirt. She'll understand your immediate need for consoling. If she doesn't, tell her you're an astronaut. Chicks love that.

2 - Order in a manly voice
It's a simple but effective tactic. Looking and sounding as manly as possible, announce: "Hey, I'm a man's man, and I like my drinks however I like them." It helps in this situation to be overly large. I'd also recommend wearing as much leather as possible. Remember, bikers wear leather clothes with as many zippers as humanly possible. Shaving your head and having a goatee also help.


* not really.

Speaking of Smirnoff Ice's, see this. Oh and this. And this.

10 comments:

Carrie Bradshaw said...

Fucking hilarious. "Nose way!"

David said...

I've used the first tactic at least 50 times.

Anonymous said...

Just order the drink already!

PWeekly said...

All that attitude and no name?

PWeekly said...

xoxo

Allison said...

Blah! My husband only drinks apple martinis. It's REALLY embarrassing.

Anonymous said...

Allison's husband sekses men in the butt

Allison said...

HONK!

Anonymous said...

we DO love astronauts.

Rachel said...

this kills me every time. because you're serious.