July 19, 2010

rock star

Look, I don't do a whole lot of shit. I work, I eat out. Occasionally I play a little tennis. On Tuesday's I often miss easy-to-catch softballs during my co-ed league game. What I do do, however, is party - And I like to think I'm a professional at it. Just like Kobe during the finals, or Santa during Christmas (he's real as shit!) Summer is my go time!

If it's hot and it's Summer that means I better be in the bag, poolside with an awesome 80’s soundtrack blaring in the background as I try to pretend my dead boss is still alive Weekend at Bernie's style. Naturally, through the years of excessive drinking and tom foolery I've picked up a few tips on what makes a person a stellar party animal. Take note, and you too can take the fast train out of square city and into Miami vice!

Be fat! History tells us that the fatter you are the more awesome you are. Look at some awesome fatties through the ages – Chris Farley, John Candy, that fat dude from Lost. All huge and all awesome, and only two-thirds dead! A fat guy in a fun Hawaiian-type shirt takes a dull Gilmore Girls viewing party to a raucous all-nighter full of gratuitous cleavage, beer pong and shit, maybe even a goat. Sure, he might not get laid, but there’s a damn good chance he’ll have the wittiest comment when you get caught by the police streaking your neighbors house.

Have No Sense of Self-Preservation! Far be it for me to promote an unhealthy lifestyle (duh! I told you I played tennis), but let’s just say we did live in a fictional world full of debauchery and hijinks, wherein everyone is topless at all times. The one rule I’d have to live by in order to ensure maximum partification would be “never give a rat’s ass.” And that applies to all things at all times. Should you, realistically, drink 80 ounces of vodka in a night? No. But if you want to be a true party animal you need to step it up and have that kind of disdain for your liver. You have to say to your liver, “Hey liver, remember that time we went to Elk Grove and we were in that one store and that old man asked if we had the time and then – F*CK YOU, LIVER! TRY TO SURVIVE THIS TORNADO OF SMIRNOFF!”

Ignore Societal Norms! People apply a ton of rules to partying. Invite an eclectic guest list, bring poker cards and chips, remain fully clothed - F that! In fact, I say being a good party animal means never knowing who is coming, not understanding what "Hold 'Em" means and never - NEVER - eating. What the hell am I trying to do with food when my goal is to get drunk? Put it in my drink, that's what. Therefore if that "food" ain't a lime or lemon wedge it can take a hike. I'll see food late Sunday night when I'm in a sunburn haze of of sweet and sour mix and heartburn.

See what happens to party animals when they eat:


4 comments:

Rachel said...

if you haven't mashed a burger with no shirt on (or a digiorno with no pants on) then get the hell out.

PS-i don't think i've ever seen you eat. ever. enjoy that.

Caitlin said...

Let's party!

PWeekly said...

Two things I don't do Rachel: Eat or skip.

Anonymous said...

Don't Hassel the Hoff!