June 18, 2010

Two Shitty Movies That Everyone Loves

This list should really be longer. I went with two as it is symbolic of the cinematic twosie both these films produce.

Top Gun

Top Gun is essentially a movie about a bunch of dudes high-fiving each other for 70 minutes while occasionally playing volleyball. The wardrobe for this film must consists solely of a towel, a jump suit, Meg Ryan's pre-surgery face and roughly 30 pages of gay innuendo. Also, Ryan, portraying a female love interest, says things like, "Take me to bed or lose me forever." I've never heard a woman say this. Women say things like, "You're really creeping me out," "I told you never to call this number again," or "You are breaking the law by violating my restraining order."

Grand Torino
As anyone who has ever had more than two drinks with me knows, I hate Clint Eastwood. Mostly because he's a terrible director, but also because I'm not a Republican. Anywho, this Academy-loved shit bomb was particularly offensive for many reasons: Obvious Christ-figure overtones, complete reinforcement of stereotypes and meandering dialogue. Seeing a grumpy, quasi-racist old ass man is not what I call stellar acting. It's what I call the holidays. Perhaps most offensive is the films assumption that fucking Clint Eastwood could actually win this fight:


Anonymous said...

This could not be more right on.

PWeekly said...

Thanks Anonymous. You know what could be more right on? You leaving a name.


Post said...

I feel you on Top Gun, but with Grand Torino you have some major problems. First that movie was awesome, second the Christ figure thing is not obvious - it never even crossed my mind and now that it did its a pretty weak argument, third stereotypes exist for a reason, and fourth, you're not a Republican which carries a whole other set of issues you might need a shirnk for or at least a doctor to plug your bleeding heart :)

But yes, Top Gun sucked. I am not flying with anyone anywhere named Goose that has a 80's porn stache.

Chris said...

Gran Torino is a wet dream fantasy for angry middle class Limbaugh Republicans.

PWeekly said...

That is hilarious @Post!

Post said...

So the liberal wet dream would be to get all the gangsters that shot Clint the appropriate counseling and some kind of state assistance right? Maybe even start a Hmong Gangster Union and take a portion of their drug dealing profits as dues to elect more idiots who use their hearts instead of their brains to decide policy. I bet you just scorched your shorts twice imagining that utopian vision.

PWeekly said...

@Post: I kind of did. Only in my vision they'd all have free health care ;)

Post said...

Lol, now that was funny