Chris Brown: Nobody likes you. Stop it with the career revival and go that way.
Seeing the first few silver hairs work their way into that crop on my head was as exciting as seeing the first few hairs sprout on my face, under arms, and groinal area in junior high. I guess gray hairs are like going through puberty for thirty somethings?
Doesn't it suck when you're in the passenger seat and your friend is driving hella slow in the fast lane? People always have to pass pissed off on your side of the car. Your oblivious companion never notices their looks of scorn. I always give them that vacant look like, "I know, right?" and then pretend like I don't even know the driver.
Isn't an aftershock just another earthquake with a way cooler name?
I feel like there is a renewed sense of paranoia about "big brother" going around, no? Everything we do can be recorded: Texts, emails, phone calls. In America alone there are almost 400 million people. You know how many people it takes to follow 400 million people? 400 million people. You're not that important you narcissistic asshole. Stop worrying about who is stealing your identity online, or who is pirating your credit card numbers, or who's watching you watch Miley Cyrus videos while you're wearing a diaper and crying, you 47 year-old creep! You're not that important! They're not watching you!
Am I the only one who had those guest speakers in 9th grade who came to class to show us the importance of using arithmetic in everyday life? "I use math everyday in my job - I'm a baker, and we have to convert weights and measurements all the time." Or, "I'm a fire fighter (in uniform, which seemed very important at the time) we use math all the time, for..... stuff." I get it. You add and subtract. So can I. Are you using the quadratic formula at work? Because that's what I have to memorize for my test tomorrow and it seems kinda ridiculous.
You think Dr. Laura was prescient enough when she was little to answer the 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' question with an, "I want to be a condescending cunt" answer? God she is terrible.
Jesus is love.