October 26, 2009

Pennies are the worst.

Pennies are not just the worst thing to get when you go trick-or-treating, they're the worst thing to have in your car, on your desk, and even in your pocket. This is because pennies are absolutely f*cking worthless. You can't buy anything for a penny. Some people might say, "oh, but pennies are like zombies: one or two of them are insignificant, but if you save up until you have hundreds or thousands, then they're a force to be reckoned with!" To those people I say, "Bullshit". I saved every penny that I ever came into contact with for the first 12 years of my life, and when I finally rolled all those pennies up and took them to the bank, I got about $7 from it. According to that math, saving pennies for your entire life will pay about 6.25 cents per day. That's less than sweatshop wages.

The people who give pennies to trick-or-treaters are assholes. They're always people who are so ancient and decrepid that they say shit like, "I remember when you could go down to the soda shop and get a rootbeer float for 2 cents, and then you could stop by the onion stand on your way home and buy a whole bushel of delicious onions for a nickel!" In their mind, they're dropping seven rootbeer floats in your candy bag, but all you're really getting is a handful of worthless copper shit that will eventually break your vacuum cleaner. Apparently those people haven't purchased anything for the past 60 years. If they had, they'd realize that there's no f*cking reason to ever keep pennies for anything, and you should never take any treat from a person who's that out of touch with reality. In conclusion, pennies f*cking suck.

Abe Lincoln is already on the five dollar bill, so it won't be doing him any sort of disservice if we just get rid of them once and for all.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL! Thank you!!

I was just at the store the other day and they gave me back my change and there was like 6 pennies in the handful and I was like "Pennies??!... Really!!??...might as well give me black children!!"

LOL!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever noticed how pennies make your hands stink?

Anonymous said...

LOL @ pennies!

omar said...

95 cent store? not feelin it.

Anonymous said...

Pennis are great projectiles!! Gather them up with some screws in a shotgun, they quickly become very valuable.

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