your mom wears a pair of prescription ray bans as a bra because she has a lazy nipple.
i'd like to thank billy ray cyrus for not making me feel like such a pedophile when i found his daughters performance at the teen choice awards (that made suggestive use of a stripper pole) oddly attractive, by standing and applauding when she finished. father of the year?
i got a tattoo on my dick to make it look like i'm already wearing a condom. i had 7 kids in july.
i'd also like to thank the antioch parole officers for ruining 3 young ladies lives. you've been doing regular house visits and never thought anything was up? really? in this state you can't legally install a water heater inside your home without getting a permit and then having a government official come in and approve the work, yet you never thought to check in and around this fuckers home? its your job to recognize these crazy pieces of shit. according to the AP "A UC Berkley university official was alarmed by Garrido's behavior and the presence of the two young girls. When Garrido returned a day later for the permit, he was met by campus police." have you been to berkley? do you know how odd you have to be to stand out there? for 5 bucks you can get your hair braided by a chick with no arms while you watch some hippie albino midget juggle dildos, and this dude was sniffed out immediately by a campus clerk, yet somehow his parole officers never thought it necessary to take a peek in the yard. for 18 years. nice work assholes.
how can a conversation with my mom in which she describes the night of my conception as "sex combat" not end in an awkward silence? i know right?
if you're dating an 11 year old is it inappropriate to buy her a t shirt that says "spinner" on it? too soon?