August 20, 2009

why the first week of college sucks.

The new gig got me thinking about my first week of college. Many things happened to me during my first week of higher ed - the following four are 100% guaranteed to happen to everyone. Except Shia LaBeouf.

1. You Will Drop All of Your 9 A.M. Classes
Remember how you used to have to wake up at 7am to make it to high school by 8:15? You handled it pretty well back then, so making a 9am class should be a piece of cake, right? WRONG. It will only take you a couple of days to realize that, in college, any obligation that you're required to uphold before 11am is just not happening. If you're smart, you'll drop your morning classes immediately, before everybody else does. Otherwise, you'll find yourself with limited replacement options, and when you're forced to choose between Intro to Venereal Diseases and The History of Blind People 101, there are no correct decisions.

2. You Will Spend $230 At The University Bookstore On Useless Crap That You Don't Need At All

As an incoming freshman, the University Bookstore is one of the most amazing places on earth. You'll feel like a 4-year old in the Disney Store, except that instead of your parents being there with you, it's just their credit card. Anything with your school's initials on it becomes an object of desire. Proceed with caution, though, as the University Bookstore is a f*cking quagmire of rip-offedness. A simple pencil, in any other store, would cost about ten cents. Here, in the University Bookstore, it's $5.99. Why, you ask? Well, it's got the school's logo on it! Do you think they can just put that on a pencil for free?!

3. You Will Throw Up On Everything You Just Bought At Target

You're going to arrive at college with hundreds of pounds worth of shit that you purchased from Target to get your college experience "started off on the right foot." You'll have new bedsheets, a chair, a lamp, a trashcan, a towel hook, a doormat, a rug, a wall tapestry, curtains, and a step stool. You'll have a TV stand, a microwave, and a hot plate. You'll have a toothbrush case, a case to carry a bar of soap down the hall in, and a bin to put a bag of chips in. You'll have dishes (like you're ever going to use dishes in college). You'll have a rack to hang shoes on, and then another rack to hang all of your shoe racks on. You'll have little trinket holders on your desk to hold paperclips, paper, pencils, pens, staples, scissors, and any other random little things that you accumulate over the next nine months. And you're going to throw up on every single one of these things.

4. You Will Have Nothing In Common With Anyone You Meet

You're going to meet a lot of cool and interesting people during your first week of college, and you will have absolutely nothing in common with your first-week-of-school friends. In fact, the only reason any of you will be hanging out with each other is because nobody in the group knows anyone else, and you'll all be willing to hang out with someone in order to get out of your dorm room and hopefully meet some people that you actually want to spend time with. The motley crew will consist of you, your new roommate, the guy you smoked weed with next to a dumpster at orientation, a guy from down the hall that you've never seen sober or in the daytime, and some girl who looks too old to be starting college. You will share amazing, drunken times with these people for a week, and then never spend any time with them again. Cherish it.

3 comments:

Luke said...

um i almost got arrested my first week of college for stealing a book that i paid for and was there to return which is why i hate white people.

PWeekly said...

White people are the worst. Why do you think I tan?

Cobra Kai said...

Asher Roth loves college.