June 25, 2009

Don't Guac Block

Picking up girls at a bar is hard enough as it is. To make matters worse, single men have to be on constant lookout for the infamous cockblocker. The modern cockblocker can manifest in many forms, and being able to identify and manage one can mean the difference between a successful night, and one where you go home alone, eat chips and salsa by yourself, and watch Children of Men on cable one and a half times before passing out. Here are some common cockblockers to look out for:

1. The Gay Friend
In professional sports, there's a reason why you never trade a player to a team you're going to face later on in the season: he knows everything you're going to try, and he's going to tell the other team, and suddenly you're losing 37-0 in the fourth quarter, and you're standing on the sidelines thinking, "how the f*ck did this happen?" The Gay Friend knows your moves, because at the end of the day you both want the same thing: to find someone drunk enough to let you stick something in their butt. To make matters worse, unlike the seven girlfriends surrounding your prospective lady, The Gay Friend isn't catty and backstabbing, because he's not trying to go for the same wiener that she is. Consequently, he has no problem looking out for her at all costs. This means that you'll have to come prepared with a few trick plays, or have the most dedicated wingman in the entire world.

2. The Plutonic Male Friend
Every girl has a male friend who she's not romantically involved with, but who desperately wants to hook up with her. He's probably been friends with her for years, and may have even made out with her once or twice, when she was really drunk and without any other viable options. He's fiercely protective of her, because he honestly believes that someday she'll give up on finding someone that she actually finds attractive and settle for him. To you, he's like the river of lava that blocked the road to town in Dante's Peak, and you'll have to handle him the same way that Pierce Brosnan handled that road: just put it into four-wheel drive, get a running start, and force your way through it.

3. The Man-Hater Friend
There are two different sub-categories of Man-haters: the Man-haters who always hate men (a.k.a., "The Rosie O'Donnell"), and the Man-haters who hate men because they recently got dumped. Either way, a Man-hater will do everything in their power to stop you from hooking up with their friend. Man-haters are typically fugg, and they live by one simple rule: "if nobody wants to f*ck me, then no one is f*cking you, either." They usually speak for their more attractive friends by using the pronoun "we" frequently. "We want to be left alone", "we didn't ask you to sit down", and "we'd like three orders of nachos" are all common Man-hater phrases, and all can be roughly translated to: "I'm fat and miserable, and I will have terrible gas later, but at least I won't be the only one who doesn't get laid tonight."

5. Your Drunk Friend
Sometimes your best friends can become your worst enemies. If your friend is drunk to the point that he's acting belligerant, annoying, or otherwise idiotic in any way, you'll be considered guilty by association. You'll need to wriggle out of that situation in order to stand a chance. Your best bet is to make light of the situation, and then follow that with a very dark, dismal explanation of why your friend needs to get super drunk. For example, after your drunk friend gropes your target girl, mumbles something absolutely disgusting to her, and then stumbles away, just laugh and say, "Oh, man. Ol' Pete's really going to town tonight. He deserves it, though. If my parents had just told me that they weren't my real parents, and that they found me stuck in the bottom of a porta-potty when I was two, I'd probably want to get pretty wasted, too. The fact is, I'm the only family he has left now."

6. Your Drunk Self
Alcohol is to you like Ben Affleck is to any movie: in small amounts, it can be enjoyable, but as soon as it takes over, everything turns to shit real fast. People around you start saying things like "This has gotten embarassing. We should just go." When you're that drunk, or what I like to call "Reindeer Games drunk," you cease to be cool and begin to sabotage the shit out of yourself. Normally, this occurs because you end up taking a harmless joke or topic way too far.


Anonymous said...

The best friend one happened to me before, couldn't believe it!

Luke said...

i got daredevil drunk once and became "the most dedicated wingman in the entire world."

PWeekly said...

LOL! Was that the Saturday we all did GOlden Bear. Everything is a blur post 1pm.

Hil said...


Austin McRonald said...

My "drunk self" almost always succeeds in blocking my cock! Ha! Ironically enough, I am most often on my A-game when completely sober.

Katherine said...

Is the plutonic male friend anything like a platonic male friend? Or do you really mean a friend from Pluto or something? lol